SCOTS ON THE ROCKS
by
Richard Nathan
Act I
Scene
1
An open plane. A witch's cauldron sits in the middle of the stage. Three WITCHES enter, as lightning flashes and thunder rumbles. Their names are WITCH-WITCH, WEIRD-WITCH, and SPELL-WITCH. Suddenly the cauldron lights up with the words "THE WEIRD SISTERS" and the Witches burst into song with a boogie-woogie beat:
WITCHES
(singing)
When shall we three meet again?
In thunder, lightening, or in rain?
When the hurly-burly's done.
That's when the battle's lost and won!
It's lost!
It's won!
It's lost!
It's won!
That will be 'ere set of sun!
Where shall we three meet once more?
At the beach or on the shore?
When it's time to cause some pain!
Then it's time to vex the Thane!
We'll pain
The Thane!
We'll pain!
The Thane!
Then we'll do it all again!
The Witches end their song and curtsey to the audience. Witch-Witch introduces them.
WITCH-WITCH
Thank you! My name is Witch-Witch.
This is
my sister, Weird-Witch. And this
is my other
sister, Spell-Witch. And together, we are The
Weird Sisters!
The Witches perform a brief encore to the same tune as their earlier song.
WITCHES
(singing)
Fair is foul, and foul is fair!
Fair is foul, and foul is fair!
You've got to hover through
The fog and filthy air!
They continue to sing as they dance off the stage.
WITCHES
(singing and exiting)
It's foul!
It's fair!
It's foul!
It's fair.
Hover though that fog and filthy air!!!
*********************************************************
Scene 2
A camp of Scottish soldiers. Enter KING DUNCAN with his sons MALCOLM and DONALBAIN. King Duncan is a painfully infantile idiot. His eldest son should be played by a mature, bald, fat man who wears shorts. Donalbain is his younger brother. Also enter LENNOX, a Scottish soldier, and a bleeding SERGEANT, along with some ATTENDANTS.
KING DUNCAN
What bloody man is this, with the cuts and the
wounds, and the ow-ies. Somebody
get this
man a Band-Aid!
MALCOLM
Pop, this is the sergeant who fought in that
battle with your cousin Banquo and with your
other cousin!
KING DUNCAN
My other cousin? Oh, you mean Mac—
Malcolm slaps his hand over his father's mouth, to prevent him from speaking the unlucky name!
MALCOLM
You crazeee! Don't say that!!! How
many
times do I have to tell you? It's
unlucky to
say the name of your other cousin! People
who say it die!
Malcolm takes his hand off of his father's mouth.
KING DUNCAN
They die just because they say Mac—
Just in time, Malcolm slaps the hand back.
MALCOLM
Stop that! If you weren't my father, I'd give
you such a hit! Now why don't you
ask the
bloody sergeant about the battle?
KING DUNCAN
What about the battle, bloody sergeant? You
look like you're got hurt very badly.
SERGEANT
The doctor predicts that I shall live, provided
that my wound does not reopen.
MALCOLM
Tell us about the battle!
SERGEANT
Doubtful it stood; as two spent swimmers that
do cling together.
KING DUNCAN
That doesn't make any sense. How
can it stand
like two swimmers. Swimmers don't
stand!
They float!
MALCOLM
That's right, Pop! You tell him! Can I hit him?
SERGEANT
Please don't hit me. If my wound
reopens, I
shall die!
KING DUNCAN
All right. Just tell us about the battle.
But no
swimming!
SERGEANT
As you wish, your Majesty. It was
going badly
for our side, when your two cousins joined the
battle! "Who are those two
new warriors?" one
of the enemy soldiers asked. And
another enemy
soldier answered, "It's Banquo and –"
and then
he said the name of your other cousin. And
as
soon as the soldier spoke that unlucky name, the
tide of battle turned, and victory was ours! But
I am faint. My gashes cry for help!
KING DUNCAN
You mean we won just because the other side
said Banquo!
SERGEANT
Not Banquo! Mac--. Oops,
that was close.
I almost said "Macbeth."
As soon as the Sergeant says the unlucky name, his wound opens and blood spurts across the stage. He screams and dies.
KING DUNCAN
Oh boy! He's dead! He's
really dead. I think
that name killed him. Somebody
take away that
bloody dead man's bloody dead body, which is
dead!
The Attendants remove the body as ROSS, another Scottish soldier, enters.
KING DUNCAN
Who comes here now?
MALCOLM
That's the Thane of Ross, Pop!
ROSS
I come from Fife, great King, where we have
defeated that wretched traitor, the Thane of
Cawdor.
KING DUNCAN
That's good. I like it when we defeat wretched
traitors, because wretched traitors are not nice
people. But I didn't know the
Thane of Chowder
was a traitor.
ROSS
Not Chowder! Cawdor!
KING DUNCAN
I think I'll give his title to Mac—
Malcolm slaps his hand over King Duncan's mouth. Duncan realizes his mistake and cringes. Malcolm removes his hand.
KING DUNCAN
Give his title to my other cousin. Not
Banquo,
but the other one.
ROSS
You mean the Thane of Glamis!
KING DUNCAN
Yes! Him!
The Thane of Clams! I'll
make him
the Thane of Clams and Chowder.
ROSS
That's Glamis and Cawdor! I'll
see it done.
KING DUNCAN
What the traitor hath lost, the Thane of Clams
hath won!
ROSS
Glamis!
*********************************************************
Scene 3
On a heath, the three Weird Sisters enter singing to a boogie-woogie beat:
WITCHES
(singing)
The weird sisters, hand in hand,
Posters of the sea and land,
Thus do go about, about,
Thrice to thine, and thrice to mine,
And thrice again to make up nine,
And eight to the bar!
The song ends abruptly.
WITCH-WITCH
Peace! The charm's wound up!
Enter MACBETH and BANQUO. Macbeth is a chubby, boyish man. The entire world picks on him. Banquo is an ordinary Scottish highlander.
MACBETH
So foul and fair a day I have not seen.
Banquo spots the witches.
BANQUO
Who in the name of Pete are these ugly women?
WITCH-WITCH
I am Witch-Witch.
WEIRD-WITCH
I am Weird-Witch.
SPELL-WITCH
I am Spell-Witch.
MACBETH
(to Witch-Witch)
I'm sorry. I didn't catch your
names. You're
which witch?
WITCH-WITCH
Yes.
MACBETH
Which witch?
WITCH-WITCH
Yes.
MACBETH
What's your name?
WITCH-WITCH
Witch-witch.
MACBETH
You!
WITCH-WITCH
That's right!
MACBETH
What's right?
WITCH-WITCH
I'm Witch-Witch!
MACBETH
That's what I'm asking!
WITCH-WITCH
That's what I'm answering!
MACBETH
Tell me your name!!!
WITCH-WITCH
Witch!
MACBETH
How many names have you got?
WITCH-WITCH
I have a first name and a last name.
MACBETH
You have a first name...
WITCH-WITCH
Which is witch.
MACBETH
And you have a last name!
WITCH-WITCH
Which is witch.
MACBETH
How should I know which is which! It's your
name!!!
WITCH-WITCH
That's right!
MACBETH
You are so weird!!!
WITCH-WITCH
(pointing to Weird-Witch)
No, she's Weird-Witch. I'm
Witch-Witch!
MACBETH
I don't want to talk to you anymore!
Macbeth walks over to Spell-Witch.
MACBETH
(to Spell-Witch)
Are you a witch?
SPELL-WITCH
Of course.
MACBETH
Which witch are you?
WITCH-WITCH
That's me.
MACBETH
(to Witch-Witch)
I said I didn't want to talk to you anymore!!!
Macbeth turns back to Spell-Witch.
MACBETH
(to Spell-Witch)
What's your name?
SPELL-WITCH
Spell-Witch.
MACBETH
W - I - T - C - H. Now what's your name?
SPELL-WITCH
Spell-Witch.
MACBETH
I just spelled it! Now are you
going to answer
my question?
SPELL-WITCH
I just answered it!
MACBETH
Then why don't I know which witch you are?
WITCH-WITCH
I'm Witch-Witch.
MACBETH
I'm not talking to you!
BANQUO
It's very simple, you great daft fool. This
witch's name is Witch-Witch. Her
first name
is Witch and her last name is Witch.
MACBETH
Which is her first name?
BANQUO
Yes! The noun "Witch," not the adjective
"which"!
MACBETH
Which of you is the Adjective Witch?
BANQUO
No, no, no! Don't you understand
the difference
between the two witches?
MACBETH
These are three witches!
BANQUO
I mean two different words which are spelled
differently.
MACBETH
Spell witch.
SPELL-WITCH
That's me!
MACBETH
Can we please go
back to the war now? This
is
making my head hurt!
WITCH-WITCH
All hail, Macbeth!
Hail to thee, Thane of Glamis!
WEIRD-WITCH
All hail, Macbeth!
Hail to thee, Thane of Cawdor!
SPELL-WITCH
All hail, Macbeth,
that shalt be King hereafter!
Macbeth and Banquo are shocked.
MACBETH
Did you hear that?
They all just said my name
and they didn't die!
That is so weird.
WEIRD-WITCH
I am Weird-Witch!
MACBETH
Don't start with that!
Don't start that again!!!
BANQUO
All right now!
We've heard what you have
to say about my cousin!
What do you say
about me?
WITCH-WITCH
Hail!
WEIRD-WITCH
Hail!
SPELL-WITCH
Hail!
MACBETH
The hail you say!
WITCH-WITCH
Lesser than Macbeth, and
greater.
WEIRD-WITCH
Not so happy, yet much
happier.
SPELL-WITCH
Thou shalt get kings,
though thou be none.
BANQUO
I shall get kings?
MACBETH
Yeah.
When somebody says, "Where's the
King?"
you say, "I'll get him."
SPELL-WITCH
No!
I mean Banquo shall be the father of
kings! So all hail, Macbeth and Banquo!
WITCH-WITCH
Banquo and Macbeth all
hail!
MACBETH
Wait a minute!
Wait just a minute! You
can
call me all sorts of nice names, but you're not
fooling anybody.
I'm the Thane of Glamis, but
I'm not the Thane of Cawdor. And the idea that
I could be King! It's ridiculous! It's
absurd!
BANQUO
It's nauseating!
It's the most vile, disgusting,
revolting nonsense I've ever heard.
MACBETH
You tell them, cousin!
Macbeth pats Banquo on the back as the witches exit, unnoticed by Macbeth and Banquo.
BANQUO
You, a King! It's enough to make me lose
the haggis I had for lunch!
MACBETH
They must think we're
pretty dumb, believing
I could be King, or even Thane of Cawdor!
Enter Ross.
ROSS
Hail, Thane of Glamis!
The King has just made
you Thane of Cawdor.
Macbeth does the world's biggest double take.
MACBETH
But the Thane of Cawdor
lives!
ROSS
Not for long.
He has been condemned for
treason!
Macbeth steps away from the others, lost in thought!
MACBETH
I'm the Thane of Cawdor!
Boy, is my wife
going to be surprised to hear that.
She always
said I'd never amount to anything, but now I'm
two Thanes:
the Thane of Glamis and Cawdor.
I
wonder where Cawdor is. I better
find out.
While I'm at it, it's about time I learned where
Glamis is.
BANQUO
Come on, you big dumb
thane! We wait upon
your leisure.
MACBETH
I'm sorry. My dull brain was wrought with
things forgotten.
Come, friends!
Macbeth leads the others off the stage.
*********************************************************
Scene 4
At King Duncan's palace at Forres. Enter King Duncan, Malcolm, Donalbain, Lennox, and various Attendants.
KING DUNCAN
Is the execution done on Cawdor?
MALCOLM
I heard he's dead, Pop!
He put on a really
good show. They
said that nothing in his life
became him like the leaving it.
KING DUNCAN
He put on a show!
Wait until I die! I'll show
you a show. People
will be dying to see me
dead, I'm going to die so dead.
MALCOLM
What if you die off
stage, like the Thane of
Cawdor.
KING DUNCAN
He deserved to die off
stage! I trusted him!
He
fooled me completely!
No one will ever
fool me like that again!
Enter Macbeth. King Duncan greets him with open arms.
KING DUNCAN
Oh worthiest cousin!
Enter Banquo and Ross, behind Macbeth.
KING DUNCAN
I'm glad you're all
here! I have an announcement
to
make. I've decided to name the
person who
will become King of Scotland when I die!
And
that person is . . . my son Malcolm!
I name him
Malcolm, Prince of Cumberlain!
Macbeth is shocked by this news. He stands apart from the others and considers.
MACBETH
The witches promised I'd
be King! What am I
going to do
now? I've got two living kings in
front of me. Stars, hide your
fires. Let not light
see my black
and deep desires.
He exits.
KING DUNCAN
Hey, where's the Thane
of Clams and Chowder
going? He
was supposed to invite all of us to
dinner at his castle at Inverness.
Let's go after
him. He is
a peerless kinsman.
King Duncan leads everyone else offstage as they follow Macbeth.
*********************************************************
Scene 5
In Macbeth's castle in Inverness, Lady Macbeth enters and reads a letter. There should be a chair onstage, with a large cushion on it.
LADY MACBETH
(reading)
"They met me in the
day of success, and predicted
my promotion to Thane of Cawdor, and then said
I
would be King. Now I am Thane of
Cawdor.
I know not what to make
of it."
Lady Macbeth puts aside the letter. From the corners of the stage, the witches creep on, but Lady Macbeth doesn't notice them.
LADY MACBETH
Glamis thou art, and
Cawdor! And you shall be
what you
were promised. But I fear your
nature.
You are too full of the
milk of human kindness.
I will
have to take things in hand, myself! Come,
you spirits that tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me
here!
The witches move to center stage, singing and dancing. Lady Macbeth doesn't notice them.
WITCHES
(singing)
We'll unsex you
here!
Do not show any
doubt or fear!
Just growl and
sneer,
Scratch your crotch,
And swig a beer!
And we'll unsex you
here!
The witches gesture magically. There is an explosion of flash powder, and suddenly Lady Macbeth has become a man – a tall, waspish man, with a neat little mustache. I will continue to refer to Lady Macbeth as "she" in the stage directions, but starting from here, for as long as she lives, she should be portrayed by a man.
The witches exit. Enter Macbeth.
LADY MACBETH
Great Glamis!
Worthy Cawdor!
MACBETH
Who are you?
LADY MACBETH
I'm your wife, Gruoch!
MACBETH
Who?
LADY MACBETH
Gruoch! That's your wife's name.
MACBETH
I never heard that.
Nobody ever told me her
name was Gruoch!
LADY MACBETH
I was keeping it secret.
If your name was Gruoch,
would you tell everyone?
MACBETH
So if you're my wife,
why are you telling me now?
LADY MACBETH
To prove I'm her.
She was the only one who knew
it, so I must be her!
MACBETH
You're not my wife!
My wife isn't a man!
LADY MACBETH
Oh that! That's nothing to worry about.
I
just said, "Spirits that tend on mortal thoughts,
unsex me
here," and I was turned into a man.
But I'm sure it's only temporary.
It's nothing to
worry about.
MACBETH
That's easy for you to
say! What's King Duncan
going to
say when he sees you?
LADY MACBETH
The King? Is he coming here?
MACBETH
Tonight!
LADY MACBETH
And when is he going
hence?
MACBETH
Tomorrow.
LADY MACBETH
Never shall sun that
morrow see! I can read your
face
like a book. I know what your
planning.
MACBETH
I'm planning to get out
of here!
LADY MACBETH
I like your plan, but
you've got to make sure no
one else finds out about it.
You've got to look
like the innocent flower, but be the serpent under
it.
MACBETH
Oh, you want me to make
an asp of myself.
LADY MACBETH
No!
I'm talking about appearances versus reality.
You've go to convince King Duncan that you're
his most loyal
follower. We'll practice!
I'll
pretend to be the King, and you be you.
Come
and tell me that dinner is being served.
Lady Macbeth sits on a chair, and acts like a King lost in thought.
MACBETH
You're the King and I'm
me, and I'm supposed
to tell you it's time for dinner.
I think I can manage
that.
Macbeth steps up to Lady Macbeth and makes a slight bow.
MACBETH
Excuse me, your majesty.
Your meal is ready.
Lady Macbeth stands, grabs the cushion from the chair, and starts beating Macbeth over the head with it.
LADY MACBETH
On your knees, you
pestilent dunghill! How dare
you
speak to your King in such familiar tones?
MACBETH
I'm sorry, your royal
highness.
LADY MACBETH
You are the sorriest
excuse for a man it has ever
been my misfortune to meet, you lumpish, clay-
brained pig!
MACBETH
What did I do?
Tell me, what did I do?
LADY MACBETH
You dare to question
your King? What are you,
some
vile assassin?
Lady Macbeth hits Macbeth even harder with the cushion. He begs for mercy.
MACBETH
No, I'm not an assassin!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
I
swear I didn't mean to question you!
I apologize!
Lady Macbeth stops beating Macbeth.
LADY MACBETH
You apologize?
No, it is I who should apologize.
I was so caught up with affairs of state, I didn't
stop to see your
side of things. I was unjust to
you. Will
you accept my apology?
MACBETH
Sure,