HOW
SHARPER THAN A SERPENT'S TOOTH
IT
IS TO HAVE A THANKLESS CHILD
by
Richard Nathan
Act I
Scene 1
A room in King Lear's palace. Enter KENT and GLOUCESTER, with Gloucester carrying his son EDMUND on his arm. Edmund is a haughty, impish little man, with a high, nasal voice. He wears a monocle over one eye. Actually, Edmund should ideally be a ventriloquist's dummy. Gloucester is the ventriloquist, although he is not very good about not moving his lips. Alternatively, Edmund could be played by a live actor who acts like a ventriloquist's dummy, but the stage directions will assume he is an actual dummy.
Kent should have a beard in this scene.
KENT
I thought the King had more affected the Duke
of Albany than Cornwall.
GLOUCESTER
So it had seemed to me, but it now appears that
he will give equal shares to the husbands of Regan
and Goneril, while reserving the finest lands for
whatever man shall wed Cordelia.
KENT
Is this your son, my Lord?
GLOUCESTER
He is my issue, though there is an issue as to
his legitimacy.
KENT
I don't understand
EDMUND
He means I'm a little bastard.
KENT
Oh.
GLOUCESTER
Edmund, say hello to the Earl of Kent and remember
him as my honorable friend.
EDMUND
As opposed to all your dishonorable chums.
GLOUCESTER
Perhaps I should be ashamed of having a son out
of wedlock, but I was a young rake in my salad
days.
EDMUND
And now you're an old wreck, and your salad is
wilted.
GLOUCESTER
All the women liked my looks, but Edmund's
mother appreciated my finer qualities...
EDMUND
The gold, the silver, the estate...
GLOUCESTER
Edmund! Do you think your mother
was interested
only in the money I gave her.
EDMUND
No! No!
She was also after the money you
didn't give her!
GLOUCESTER
I'm ashamed to hear you talk that way!
EDMUND
I
could talk better if you'd raise my allowance.
GLOUCESTER
You
always want money for being good. Why
can't you like your legitimate brother Edgar?
He
never wants anything for being good.
EDMUND
Yeah, he's good for nothing.
GLOUCESTER
Shhhh!
The King is coming.
Enter
KING LEAR, a grandiose, stout man with a bulbous nose.
Following him are his eldest daughter GONERIL, her husband the DUKE OF
ALBANY, Lear's middle daughter REGAN, her husband the DUKE OF CORNWALL, and
Lear's youngest daughter CORDELIA. Also
enter various ATTENDANTS.
KING
LEAR
Gloucester!
Attend the lords of France and
Burgundy!
GLOUCESTER
I
shall, my Lord.
Gloucester
bows and exits, taking Edmund with him.
KING
LEAR
Present
the map!
An
Attendant holds up a map of England. The
King points to it with his scepter and accidentally pierces it.
He pulls the map off the scepter and hands it back to the Attendant.
KING
LEAR
(handing
back the map)
Careful
with that thing!
The
King again points to the map, but is careful not to pierce it this time.
KING
LEAR
Know
that we have divided our kingdom into
thirds, and 'tis our intent to shake all
cares and
business from our age, conferring them on younger
strengths, while we
unburdened crawl toward
death.
Goneril
snorts with contempt.
GONERIL
If
he's lay off the booze, he could walk
toward
death.
The
King glares at Goneril, but doesn't say anything to her.
KING
LEAR
Before
we bestow the divisions of our domain, we
shall propose this inquiry:
tell us, daughters, which
of you shall we say loves us most?
Goneril, our
eldest born, speak first.
GONERIL
I
love you more than words can say. Beyond
all,
no less than life, as much as any child ever loved,
and more than that I
love you.
KING
LEAR
Good.
Very good. (He
gestures to the map.)
All this land, we confer to you and your husband
Albany. What says our second daughter, our Regan,
wife of Cornwall.
Speak.
REGAN
I
find my sister echoes my love, only her words fall
short. I won't allow any other feelings, thoughts or
senses to
interfere with my love for my father.
GONERIL
I
meant to say that, but I so absorbed in feeling
love for my father, I forgot to
mention it.
REGAN
I'm
sorry. Did you say something?
I was so busy
loving my father, I didn't hear a word you said.
Goneril
starts chanting.
GONERIL
I
love my Dad! I love my Dad!
I love my Dad!
Regan
puts her hands over her own ears and chants more loudly:
REGAN
I
love him more! I love him more!
Goneril
grabs Regan by the neck and starts choking her.
GONERIL
Knock
it off! I love the big baboon just
as much
as you do!
Regan
breaks away from Goneril and gulps in her breath before she can speak.
She decides not to argue any longer.
REGAN
(panting
for breath)
Okay...
We both... love... the old goat... equally.
KING
LEAR
You
touch our heart, both of you. To
Regan and
her husband Cornwall we impart this ample third
of our fair kingdom.
And now our joy, our youngest
daughter Cordelia, what say you?
CORDELIA
What.
KING LEAR
CORDELIA
What!
KING LEAR
You
haven't been paying attention, have you?
CORDELIA
Yes
I have.
KING LEAR
Then
perhaps you will enlighten us. What
did we
just inquire of you?
CORDELIA
KING LEAR
CORDELIA
You
mean before you asked me to say what?
KING LEAR
Yes!
CORDELIA
I
don't remember!
King
Lear takes a moment to calm himself down before proceeding.
KING LEAR
of us.
CORDELIA
I
think you're being awfully silly.
GONERIL
It's
clear she doesn't respect you at all!
CORDELIA
Of
course I respect him! He's been
like a
father to me!
KING LEAR
I
am your father!
CORDELIA
to me! I wouldn't respect you for acting like my
father if you
weren't my father, would I?
GONERIL
You're
not going to give this ungrateful witch any
of your kingdom, are you?
REGAN
shown you, we deserve her share!
GONERIL
If
you have any respect for yourself at all, you'll
exile this little traitor!
KING LEAR
Silence!!!
We remember, when we were a lad,
our father the King expounded to us upon
our
duties of filial devotion. "Prince
Lear," he said, "if
every day you demonstrate to us the complete and
total adoration that a son owes to his progenitor,
then when we die you shall be
the king and live in
ease and luxury. But
if even once you fail to show
us perfect love, then we shall disown you utterly,
abandon you to the elements, and leave you to die
in misery, cold and
hunger." So I killed him. Conked
him in the cranium right then and there.
No use
taking any chances, I thought.
Cordelia, we have to
make sure you won't be around to conk us in our
cranium!
CORDELIA
Oh,
don't be silly! I could never do
that!
KING LEAR
You
couldn't?
CORDELIA
Of
course not! I don't even know where
our
cranium is!
KING LEAR
Here
I disclaim all my parental care!
KENT
Good
my Liege –
KING LEAR
Peace,
Kent! Come not between the dragon
and
his wrath! We do invest our
power in Goneril and
Regan, keeping for our self one hundred knights
and the name
of King. Our loving daughters shall
sustain and care for us!
KENT
Royal
Lear, this is madness! You are
making a
terrible mistake! It is
wrong! It is evil!
KING LEAR
What!
You dare to question me! You
vassal!
You miscreant!
You have ten days to leave
England forever!
Out of my sight!
KENT
Very
well! Freedom lives hence, and
banishment
is here!
Kent exits. Enter Gloucester, still carrying Edmund, followed by the KING OF FRANCE and the LORD OF BURGUNDY. The Lord of Burgundy is a vain, stingy man, who claims to be thirty-nine, but is in fact quite a bit older. The King of France smokes a cigar and smiles between puffs. He is a perfect husband for Cordelia.
CORNWALL
Here
are the King of France the and Lord of
Burgundy, my noble Lord.
KING LEAR
My
Lord of Burgundy, you and the King of France
have been rivals for our daughter,
Cordelia. What
is the smallest
dowry you would require to take her
as your wife?
BURGUNDY
For
this wonderful girl? I hate to ask
anything, and
I certainly wouldn't expect more than what you've
already offered,
your Highness, a third of your
kingdom.
KING LEAR
That
was what we offered when she was dear to
us, but now her price has fallen.
CORDELIA
He's
mad because I said he was like my father.
KING LEAR
This
ungrateful wretch wouldn't say how much
she loved me!
BURGUNDY
She's so young, and
tender and innocent. So
unspoiled.....
KING LEAR
So
I've disinherited her!
BURGUNDY
KING OF FRANCE
KING LEAR
again!
Lear
exits, followed by everyone except for Burgundy, the King of France, Cordelia,
Goneril and Regan.
BURGUNDY
But
why do you want her? She hasn't any
dowry!
KING OF FRANCE
of France, she'd be worth a fortune in vaudeville.
Say goodnight, Cordelia.
CORDELIA
Goodnight
everybody.
The
King of France leads Cordelia off. Burgundy
follows them.
REGAN
disinherited Cordelia.
GONERIL
Is
he crazy or just drunk?
REGAN
GONERIL
We'd
better be careful, or he could turn against
us the same way he turned against
Cordelia and
Kent!
REGAN
We
shall further think on it.
GONERIL
We
must do something!
Regan and Goneril exit.
*********************************************************
Scene 2
Edmund
sits in a window frame (so that the actor playing Gloucester may operate him
from behind and below the window) in the castle of the Earl of Gloucester.
Edmund holds a letter in his hand. (Okay,
being a ventriloquist's dummy, he can't exactly hold
the letter, but it is in his hand.)
EDMUND
Thou, Nature, art my Goddess.
I don't believe in
man made laws. Why
should my brother Edgar
get everything, just because my father had the bad
taste
to marry Edgar's mother? Well, I'll
soon take
care of that. Ooops, here
comes Dad.
Edmund
becomes still. A moment later,
Gloucester enters and picks him up.
GLOUCESTER
Hello, Edmund. I
can't get over what happened in
Court today!
Kent banished! Cordelia
disinherited!
Edmund
waves the letter back and forth, as though fanning himself with it.
EDMUND
Yes, and it certainly is warm in here, isn't it?
He
continues to wave the letter, but Gloucester ignores it.
Finally, Edmund hits Gloucester in the face with it.
GLOUCESTER
What is that thing?
EDMUND
What, this? I
was hoping you wouldn't notice it.
It's
just a letter from Edgar.
GLOUCESTER
Oh, is that all? I
certainly am upset about what
happened in court today.
Kent banished!!!
EDMUND
Yes, there's no reason for you to be interested in
this
letter. I'm sure Edgar was just
kidding when
he said he wanted to kill you!
GLOUCESTER
What?
EDMUND
He said he wanted to kill you for your money.
GLOUCESTER
Let me see that!
Gloucester
grabs the letter, opens it, and reads it aloud.
GLOUCESTER
"Dear Edmund, I want to kill Dad for his money.
Love, Edgar." Are you sure Edgar wrote this?
I could have sworn he didn't know how to write.
EDMUND
Well, um, he dictated it to me.
That's how I
know for certain it's from him!
GLOUCESTER
This is monstrous!
He's a villain! An abhorred
villain! Unnatural, detested,
brutish villain!
Worse than
brutish!
EDMUND
He isn't very nice, is he?
Gloucester
placed Edmund back in the window, and starts to exit.
GLOUCESTER
(as
he exits)
I'll find him and have him punished. My horoscope
predicted there was trouble coming.
We're in for
bad times, I'm afraid!
Gloucester exits.
EDMUND
You don't know the half of it!
Edgar
enters through the window Edmund is sitting in, and sits beside Edmund.
Edgar is played by another ventriloquist's dummy.
(Or, like Edmund, he could be played by a live actor, but the stage
directions will assume he is a dummy.) He
is an incredibly stupid, bucktoothed hayseed.
EDMUND
Edgar! Just
the man I want to see. Do you
know something?
EDGAR
Uh, nope! Nope.
Probably not.
EDMUND
Someone's been saying bad things about you to
our
father. Do you have any idea who
might have
done it?
EDGAR
Well... um... let's
see... I'm pretty sure it wasn't me.
EDMUND
Good. We'll
rule you out. Has anyone else been
criticizing you?
EDGAR
Yup. Uh..
hmmm... Somebody said... I should
be
able to remember this... They
said... um... I know
they said
something...
EDMUND
You haven't got a clue, have you?
EDGAR
That's it! That's
what they said!
EDMUND
Edgar, how can you be so stupid?
EDGAR
I get a lot of practice.
EDMUND
You're in terrible trouble!
Your life is in danger!
EDGAR
Yup! Well,
that's the way it goes.
EDMUND
You have to hide until I tell you things are safe.
Go! Get out of here!
EDGAR
Um....Okay.
Edmund
pushes Edgar out the window.
EDMUND
Let me, if not by birth, have lands by wit.
All with
me's meet that I can fashion fit.
Edmund exits.
*********************************************************
Scene 3
In
the castle of the Duke of Albany, Goneril talks to OSWALD, her steward.
GONERIL
Did my father strike you for chiding of his Fool?
OSWALD
Aye, Madam.
GONERIL
By day and night, he wrongs me!
I'll not endure
it. When he
returns from hunting, I will not speak
with him. Say I am sick.
OSWALD
Yes, Madam.
GONERIL
And let his knights have colder looks among you.
I will write to my sister and tell her to hold my very
course.
Prepare for dinner!
Goneril
exits one way, and Oswald goes off in the other direction.
*********************************************************
Scene 4
In
another part of the castle of the Duke of Albany, Kent enters, disguised as a
peasant. He no longer wears a
beard.
KENT
Now banished Kent, although the King thinks
you gone, in this disguise, with beard shaven
off, you may yet do him service here unrecognized.
Enter
King Lear with KNIGHTS and other ATTENDANTS.
KING LEAR
Home are the hunters, home from the hunt!
I
performed prodigious feats of marksmanship
today, if you'll excuse the braggadocio. Ah,
what magnificent beasts did I slay today with
my mighty bow and arrows!
An
Attendant looks at a list of the creatures killed by the King.
Let's see: you
shot your best bloodhound, one
horse, two cows and a serf.
KING LEAR
No boars?
ATTENDANT
No boars.
KING LEAR
What about the serf.
Wouldn't you say he was a
bit uncultivated... somewhat crude?
ATTENDANT
He wasn't exactly genteel.
KING LEAR
Put him down as a bore.
The
Attendant corrects his list.
KING LEAR
(triumphantly)
The King hath killed a boar!
The
King notices Kent.
KING LEAR
Who are you?
KENT
A man, no less than I seem.
KING LEAR
No more, either. What
do you want?
KENT
To serve you!
KING LEAR
Fine! Serve
me a bottle of the good stuff. I'm
thirsty.
Kent
bows and exits.
KING LEAR
And I want my dinner, and my daughter, and my
&nbs