HOW
SHARPER THAN A SERPENT'S TOOTH
IT
IS TO HAVE A THANKLESS CHILD
by
Richard Nathan
Act I
Scene 1
A room in King Lear's palace. Enter KENT and GLOUCESTER, with Gloucester carrying his son EDMUND on his arm. Edmund is a haughty, impish little man, with a high, nasal voice. He wears a monocle over one eye. Actually, Edmund should ideally be a ventriloquist's dummy. Gloucester is the ventriloquist, although he is not very good about not moving his lips. Alternatively, Edmund could be played by a live actor who acts like a ventriloquist's dummy, but the stage directions will assume he is an actual dummy.
Kent should have a beard in this scene.
KENT
I thought the King had more affected the Duke
of Albany than Cornwall.
GLOUCESTER
So it had seemed to me, but it now appears that
he will give equal shares to the husbands of Regan
and Goneril, while reserving the finest lands for
whatever man shall wed Cordelia.
KENT
Is this your son, my Lord?
GLOUCESTER
He is my issue, though there is an issue as to
his legitimacy.
KENT
I don't understand
EDMUND
He means I'm a little bastard.
KENT
Oh.
GLOUCESTER
Edmund, say hello to the Earl of Kent and remember
him as my honorable friend.
EDMUND
As opposed to all your dishonorable chums.
GLOUCESTER
Perhaps I should be ashamed of having a son out
of wedlock, but I was a young rake in my salad
days.
EDMUND
And now you're an old wreck, and your salad is
wilted.
GLOUCESTER
All the women liked my looks, but Edmund's
mother appreciated my finer qualities...
EDMUND
The gold, the silver, the estate...
GLOUCESTER
Edmund! Do you think your mother
was interested
only in the money I gave her.
EDMUND
No! No!
She was also after the money you
didn't give her!
GLOUCESTER
I'm ashamed to hear you talk that way!
EDMUND
I
could talk better if you'd raise my allowance.
GLOUCESTER
You
always want money for being good. Why
can't you like your legitimate brother Edgar?
He
never wants anything for being good.
EDMUND
Yeah, he's good for nothing.
GLOUCESTER
Shhhh!
The King is coming.
Enter
KING LEAR, a grandiose, stout man with a bulbous nose.
Following him are his eldest daughter GONERIL, her husband the DUKE OF
ALBANY, Lear's middle daughter REGAN, her husband the DUKE OF CORNWALL, and
Lear's youngest daughter CORDELIA. Also
enter various ATTENDANTS.
KING
LEAR
Gloucester!
Attend the lords of France and
Burgundy!
GLOUCESTER
I
shall, my Lord.
Gloucester
bows and exits, taking Edmund with him.
KING
LEAR
Present
the map!
An
Attendant holds up a map of England. The
King points to it with his scepter and accidentally pierces it.
He pulls the map off the scepter and hands it back to the Attendant.
KING
LEAR
(handing
back the map)
Careful
with that thing!
The
King again points to the map, but is careful not to pierce it this time.
KING
LEAR
Know
that we have divided our kingdom into
thirds, and 'tis our intent to shake all
cares and
business from our age, conferring them on younger
strengths, while we
unburdened crawl toward
death.
Goneril
snorts with contempt.
GONERIL
If
he's lay off the booze, he could walk
toward
death.
The
King glares at Goneril, but doesn't say anything to her.
KING
LEAR
Before
we bestow the divisions of our domain, we
shall propose this inquiry:
tell us, daughters, which
of you shall we say loves us most?
Goneril, our
eldest born, speak first.
GONERIL
I
love you more than words can say. Beyond
all,
no less than life, as much as any child ever loved,
and more than that I
love you.
KING
LEAR
Good.
Very good. (He
gestures to the map.)
All this land, we confer to you and your husband
Albany. What says our second daughter, our Regan,
wife of Cornwall.
Speak.
REGAN
I
find my sister echoes my love, only her words fall
short. I won't allow any other feelings, thoughts or
senses to
interfere with my love for my father.
GONERIL
I
meant to say that, but I so absorbed in feeling
love for my father, I forgot to
mention it.
REGAN
I'm
sorry. Did you say something?
I was so busy
loving my father, I didn't hear a word you said.
Goneril
starts chanting.
GONERIL
I
love my Dad! I love my Dad!
I love my Dad!
Regan
puts her hands over her own ears and chants more loudly:
REGAN
I
love him more! I love him more!
Goneril
grabs Regan by the neck and starts choking her.
GONERIL
Knock
it off! I love the big baboon just
as much
as you do!
Regan
breaks away from Goneril and gulps in her breath before she can speak.
She decides not to argue any longer.
REGAN
(panting
for breath)
Okay...
We both... love... the old goat... equally.
KING
LEAR
You
touch our heart, both of you. To
Regan and
her husband Cornwall we impart this ample third
of our fair kingdom.
And now our joy, our youngest
daughter Cordelia, what say you?
CORDELIA
What.
KING LEAR
CORDELIA
What!
KING LEAR
You
haven't been paying attention, have you?
CORDELIA
Yes
I have.
KING LEAR
Then
perhaps you will enlighten us. What
did we
just inquire of you?
CORDELIA
KING LEAR
CORDELIA
You
mean before you asked me to say what?
KING LEAR
Yes!
CORDELIA
I
don't remember!
King
Lear takes a moment to calm himself down before proceeding.
KING LEAR
of us.
CORDELIA
I
think you're being awfully silly.
GONERIL
It's
clear she doesn't respect you at all!
CORDELIA
Of
course I respect him! He's been
like a
father to me!
KING LEAR
I
am your father!
CORDELIA
to me! I wouldn't respect you for acting like my
father if you
weren't my father, would I?
GONERIL
You're
not going to give this ungrateful witch any
of your kingdom, are you?
REGAN
shown you, we deserve her share!
GONERIL
If
you have any respect for yourself at all, you'll
exile this little traitor!
KING LEAR
Silence!!!
We remember, when we were a lad,
our father the King expounded to us upon
our
duties of filial devotion. "Prince
Lear," he said, "if
every day you demonstrate to us the complete and
total adoration that a son owes to his progenitor,
then when we die you shall be
the king and live in
ease and luxury. But
if even once you fail to show
us perfect love, then we shall disown you utterly,
abandon you to the elements, and leave you to die
in misery, cold and
hunger." So I killed him. Conked
him in the cranium right then and there.
No use
taking any chances, I thought.
Cordelia, we have to
make sure you won't be around to conk us in our
cranium!
CORDELIA
Oh,
don't be silly! I could never do
that!
KING LEAR
You
couldn't?
CORDELIA
Of
course not! I don't even know where
our
cranium is!
KING LEAR
Here
I disclaim all my parental care!
KENT
Good
my Liege –
KING LEAR
Peace,
Kent! Come not between the dragon
and
his wrath! We do invest our
power in Goneril and
Regan, keeping for our self one hundred knights
and the name
of King. Our loving daughters shall
sustain and care for us!
KENT
Royal
Lear, this is madness! You are
making a
terrible mistake! It is
wrong! It is evil!
KING LEAR
What!
You dare to question me! You
vassal!
You miscreant!
You have ten days to leave
England forever!
Out of my sight!
KENT
Very
well! Freedom lives hence, and
banishment
is here!
Kent exits. Enter Gloucester, still carrying Edmund, followed by the KING OF FRANCE and the LORD OF BURGUNDY. The Lord of Burgundy is a vain, stingy man, who claims to be thirty-nine, but is in fact quite a bit older. The King of France smokes a cigar and smiles between puffs. He is a perfect husband for Cordelia.
CORNWALL
Here
are the King of France the and Lord of
Burgundy, my noble Lord.
KING LEAR
My
Lord of Burgundy, you and the King of France
have been rivals for our daughter,
Cordelia. What
is the smallest
dowry you would require to take her
as your wife?
BURGUNDY
For
this wonderful girl? I hate to ask
anything, and
I certainly wouldn't expect more than what you've
already offered,
your Highness, a third of your
kingdom.
KING LEAR
That
was what we offered when she was dear to
us, but now her price has fallen.
CORDELIA
He's
mad because I said he was like my father.
KING LEAR
This
ungrateful wretch wouldn't say how much
she loved me!
BURGUNDY
She's so young, and
tender and innocent. So
unspoiled.....
KING LEAR
So
I've disinherited her!
BURGUNDY
KING OF FRANCE
KING LEAR
again!
Lear
exits, followed by everyone except for Burgundy, the King of France, Cordelia,
Goneril and Regan.
BURGUNDY
But
why do you want her? She hasn't any
dowry!
KING OF FRANCE
of France, she'd be worth a fortune in vaudeville.
Say goodnight, Cordelia.
CORDELIA
Goodnight
everybody.
The
King of France leads Cordelia off. Burgundy
follows them.
REGAN
disinherited Cordelia.
GONERIL
Is
he crazy or just drunk?
REGAN
GONERIL
We'd
better be careful, or he could turn against
us the same way he turned against
Cordelia and
Kent!
REGAN
We
shall further think on it.
GONERIL
We
must do something!
Regan and Goneril exit.
*********************************************************
Scene 2
Edmund
sits in a window frame (so that the actor playing Gloucester may operate him
from behind and below the window) in the castle of the Earl of Gloucester.
Edmund holds a letter in his hand. (Okay,
being a ventriloquist's dummy, he can't exactly hold
the letter, but it is in his hand.)
EDMUND
Thou, Nature, art my Goddess.
I don't believe in
man made laws. Why
should my brother Edgar
get everything, just because my father had the bad
taste
to marry Edgar's mother? Well, I'll
soon take
care of that. Ooops, here
comes Dad.
Edmund
becomes still. A moment later,
Gloucester enters and picks him up.
GLOUCESTER
Hello, Edmund. I
can't get over what happened in
Court today!
Kent banished! Cordelia
disinherited!
Edmund
waves the letter back and forth, as though fanning himself with it.
EDMUND
Yes, and it certainly is warm in here, isn't it?
He
continues to wave the letter, but Gloucester ignores it.
Finally, Edmund hits Gloucester in the face with it.
GLOUCESTER
What is that thing?
EDMUND
What, this? I
was hoping you wouldn't notice it.
It's
just a letter from Edgar.
GLOUCESTER
Oh, is that all? I
certainly am upset about what
happened in court today.
Kent banished!!!
EDMUND
Yes, there's no reason for you to be interested in
this
letter. I'm sure Edgar was just
kidding when
he said he wanted to kill you!
GLOUCESTER
What?
EDMUND
He said he wanted to kill you for your money.
GLOUCESTER
Let me see that!
Gloucester
grabs the letter, opens it, and reads it aloud.
GLOUCESTER
"Dear Edmund, I want to kill Dad for his money.
Love, Edgar." Are you sure Edgar wrote this?
I could have sworn he didn't know how to write.
EDMUND
Well, um, he dictated it to me.
That's how I
know for certain it's from him!
GLOUCESTER
This is monstrous!
He's a villain! An abhorred
villain! Unnatural, detested,
brutish villain!
Worse than
brutish!
EDMUND
He isn't very nice, is he?
Gloucester
placed Edmund back in the window, and starts to exit.
GLOUCESTER
(as
he exits)
I'll find him and have him punished. My horoscope
predicted there was trouble coming.
We're in for
bad times, I'm afraid!
Gloucester exits.
EDMUND
You don't know the half of it!
Edgar
enters through the window Edmund is sitting in, and sits beside Edmund.
Edgar is played by another ventriloquist's dummy.
(Or, like Edmund, he could be played by a live actor, but the stage
directions will assume he is a dummy.) He
is an incredibly stupid, bucktoothed hayseed.
EDMUND
Edgar! Just
the man I want to see. Do you
know something?
EDGAR
Uh, nope! Nope.
Probably not.
EDMUND
Someone's been saying bad things about you to
our
father. Do you have any idea who
might have
done it?
EDGAR
Well... um... let's
see... I'm pretty sure it wasn't me.
EDMUND
Good. We'll
rule you out. Has anyone else been
criticizing you?
EDGAR
Yup. Uh..
hmmm... Somebody said... I should
be
able to remember this... They
said... um... I know
they said
something...
EDMUND
You haven't got a clue, have you?
EDGAR
That's it! That's
what they said!
EDMUND
Edgar, how can you be so stupid?
EDGAR
I get a lot of practice.
EDMUND
You're in terrible trouble!
Your life is in danger!
EDGAR
Yup! Well,
that's the way it goes.
EDMUND
You have to hide until I tell you things are safe.
Go! Get out of here!
EDGAR
Um....Okay.
Edmund
pushes Edgar out the window.
EDMUND
Let me, if not by birth, have lands by wit.
All with
me's meet that I can fashion fit.
Edmund exits.
*********************************************************
Scene 3
In
the castle of the Duke of Albany, Goneril talks to OSWALD, her steward.
GONERIL
Did my father strike you for chiding of his Fool?
OSWALD
Aye, Madam.
GONERIL
By day and night, he wrongs me!
I'll not endure
it. When he
returns from hunting, I will not speak
with him. Say I am sick.
OSWALD
Yes, Madam.
GONERIL
And let his knights have colder looks among you.
I will write to my sister and tell her to hold my very
course.
Prepare for dinner!
Goneril
exits one way, and Oswald goes off in the other direction.
*********************************************************
Scene 4
In
another part of the castle of the Duke of Albany, Kent enters, disguised as a
peasant. He no longer wears a
beard.
KENT
Now banished Kent, although the King thinks
you gone, in this disguise, with beard shaven
off, you may yet do him service here unrecognized.
Enter
King Lear with KNIGHTS and other ATTENDANTS.
KING LEAR
Home are the hunters, home from the hunt!
I
performed prodigious feats of marksmanship
today, if you'll excuse the braggadocio. Ah,
what magnificent beasts did I slay today with
my mighty bow and arrows!
An
Attendant looks at a list of the creatures killed by the King.
Let's see: you
shot your best bloodhound, one
horse, two cows and a serf.
KING LEAR
No boars?
ATTENDANT
No boars.
KING LEAR
What about the serf.
Wouldn't you say he was a
bit uncultivated... somewhat crude?
ATTENDANT
He wasn't exactly genteel.
KING LEAR
Put him down as a bore.
The
Attendant corrects his list.
KING LEAR
(triumphantly)
The King hath killed a boar!
The
King notices Kent.
KING LEAR
Who are you?
KENT
A man, no less than I seem.
KING LEAR
No more, either. What
do you want?
KENT
To serve you!
KING LEAR
Fine! Serve
me a bottle of the good stuff. I'm
thirsty.
Kent
bows and exits.
KING LEAR
And I want my dinner, and my daughter, and my
fool!
ATTENDANT
Since Cordelia went to France, the Fool has pined
away.
KING LEAR
No more of that!
Oswald
enters and crosses the stage.
KING LEAR
You! Where's
my daughter?
Oswald exits, ignoring the King.
KING LEAR
Didn't I speak?
Can't a monarch get any service
in this establishment?
Kent
comes back with a bottle of wine upon a tray.
KING LEAR
About time!
King
Lear takes a good strong drink from the bottle.
KING LEAR
Where's my Fool? I
haven't seen my Fool for two
days!
Oswald
enters and starts to cross the stage again.
KING LEAR
It's you again. Do
you know who I am?
Oswald
ignores the King again, but Kent grabs him and brings him before the King.
KING LEAR
Who am I?
OSWALD
(contemptuously)
My Lady's father.
KING LEAR
Your Lady's father???
You dog! You knave!
You cur!
King
Lear raises the bottle of wine to hit Oswald with it, then realizes he doesn't
want to spill any of the wine, so he carefully puts the wine down, takes the
serving tray from Kent, and conks Oswald on top of his head with the serving
tray.
OSWALD
I'll not be struck, my Lord!
KENT
Nor tripped, neither.
Kent
trips Oswald, and pushes him offstage.
KING LEAR
Well enacted. Nicely
done.
Enter
Lear's FOOL. The Fool wears motley,
has a greasepaint mustache, and carries a cigar.
He lopes across the stage to Kent.
FOOL
I'll say. I
take my hat off to you. In fact, I
give my
hat to you.
The
fool removes his hat (a coxcomb) and hands it to Kent.
KENT
Why?
FOOL
I don't like it. It
doesn't go with my cigar. But it
goes
with you. And you go with it.
And the sooner the
better! Go!
Scram!
KENT
But I came here to serve the King.
FOOL
You can take him with you.
And you can take me too.
I
don't think I'm appreciated here.
The
Fool breaks into song.
FOOL
(singing)
There was a King
Who had two wicked daughters,
Under the greenwood tree!
The
only nice one went to France,
Where ladies wear
Lace underpants.
Hey nonny, knobby knees!
And so my King,
I'm expecting lots of slaughter
Under the greenwood tree.
And that is why I say,
The rain
It rainth every day.
Hey nonny, knobby knees!
KING LEAR
You call that funny?
FOOL
If you think you can do better, we could change
jobs. Or did we already do that,
Nuncle?
KING LEAR
Are you calling me a fool?
FOOL
You gave away all your other titles.
That one you
were born with, Nuncle.
The
Fool wags his eyebrows up and down at Lear.
KENT
Why does he keep calling you "Nuncle"?
KING LEAR
It's short for "mine uncle," a term of
endearment.
FOOL
Actually, it's short for "Nuncle-head," a
term of
contempt. Which reminds me,
Nuncle, I've got a
riddle for you. What's
the difference between a
dung heap and a stupid old king who gives everything
away to his two wicked daughters?
KING LEAR
A dung heap and a stupid old king? Hmmmm. I
know!
The answer is that when a fool displeases
the king, the king can force
the fool to eat the dung
heap!
FOOL
That's true. I
don't know why I didn't think of that.
You
know, I'd rather be anything in the world than a
fool.
Except you. Or am I being
redundant?
Goneril
enters, looking angry.
KING LEAR
How now, daughter?
Where have you been?
GONERIL
Never mind that! It's time we talked about those
hundred knights of yours! The way
they've been
behaving, this place is more like a tavern or a brothel
than a
palace.
KING LEAR
(smiling)
Yes, I know. I
know.
GONERIL
That was a complaint!
KING LEAR
Oh, was it? I'm
sorry. I'll have to make a mental
note of that. Palace is good;
tavern and brothel are
bad.
GONERIL
What do you need all those men for anyway?
I want
you to get rid of half of them.
KING LEAR
If you insist, my child, I shall notify them of their
termination, and advise them to depart within a
fortnight!
GONERIL
Not a fortnight! Tonight!
This instance!
KING LEAR
Might they not finish their repast, and join me in a
final quaff of ale before they go?
GONERIL
No! I knew
you'd be difficult about this, so in order
to insure some decent behavior around
here, I just
poured out all your alcohol.
KING LEAR
(enraged)
Devils and darkness!
Saddle my horses! Thou
marble-
hearted fiend! Go, go my
people!
Lear's
knights and attendants scurry off to get ready to leave Albany's palace.
Albany enters, confused by the commotion.
King Lear continues to berate Goneril.
KING LEAR
Blasts and fogs upon thee!
Hear me, Nature! If this
creature ever conceives a child, let it stamp wrinkles in
her brow, and turn her
pains to laughter and contempt,
so that she may feel how sharper than a
serpent's tooth
it is to have a thankless child! Away! Away!
I have
one daughter left.
Exit
Lear, followed by his Fool and Kent. Only
Albany and Goneril remain on stage.
ALBANY
What's the matter?
GONERIL
Oh, I poured out all his booze.
Goneril
shouts for her steward.
GONERIL
Oswald!
Oswald
enters.
GONERIL
Did you write that letter to my sister?
OSWALD
Aye, Madam.
GONERIL
Then go and deliver it to her!
Get you gone!
Oswald
exits.
ALBANY
I don't like this.
How far your eyes may
pierce I cannot tell; striving to better, oft we
mar what's well.
Albany and Goneril exit.
*********************************************************
Outside
of Albany's palace, Lear prepares to leave for Gloucester, where he hopes to
find Regan. Lear gives instructions
to Kent, while the Fool watches.
KING LEAR
Go you before with these letters. Tell my
daughter Regan and her husband Cornwall that
I am
coming.
KENT
I will not sleep, my Lord, until I have delivered
your letter.
Kent
exits.
FOOL
Do you really think Regan is going to treat you any
better than Goneril did?
KING LEAR
She would not refuse me a libation to wet my
parched
throat.
FOOL
I suppose she might give you a glass of water.
KING LEAR
Water!!!! A beast would not show such odious
ingratitude!
FOOL
You know, you're a pretty funny fellow.
With a
little training, you could be both Lear and his Fool –
and I
could go home!
KING LEAR
Let me not go mad.
FOOL
I'll teach you a riddle.
This is a classic, one of the
finest riddles of all time.
Do you know why there
are no more than seven stars in the Pleiades?
KING LEAR
Because there are not eight?
FOOL
That's a pretty good answer.
I was going to say,
"To keep his pants up."
But I like your answer
better. You're
pretty smart for a man who's as
stupid as you are.
KING LEAR
Let me be not mad, sweet heaven. I would not
be mad! I
had an uncle who was mad.... Uncle
Theophilus.
He believed if he killed a lion,
tore out its heart and ate it while it beat, he
would gain the strength and courage of the lion.
FOOL
Did it work?
KING LEAR
I don't know. Uncle Theophilus never killed
anything larger than a duck.
FOOL
So if a lion had eaten your Uncle Theophilus, would
the
lion have gained the strength and courage of
Uncle Theophilus, or the strength
and courage of
a duck?
KING LEAR
I fear there was little difference, my boy.
Very
little indeed.
Enter
a GENTLEMAN in Lear's service.
KING LEAR
Are the horses ready?
GENTLEMAN
Ready, my Lord.
KING LEAR
Come, boy.
Everyone
exits.
*********************************************************
Act II
Scene 1
A
room in the Earl of Gloucester's castle. Edmund
is sitting in a window. CURAN, a
courtier, enters.
EDMUND
Save thee, Curan.
CURAN
And you, Sir. I
have been with your father.
EDMUND
Oh? Did he
say what he plans to do to my
brother, when he finds him?
CURAN
No.
EDMUND
Edgar is a vile, treacherous, depraved, scheming,
murderous villain, but aside from that, he's a good
boy.
I hope my father won't torture him too
severely before he kills him.
CURAN
Did you know the Duke of Cornwall, and Regan
his
Duchess are coming here this night?
EDMUND
No, but I'm looking forward to seeing them again.
They're such a nice couple.
CURAN
Fare you well, sir.
Curan exits. Edmund looks around to make certain no one is watching, then he calls to his brother.
EDMUND
Brother! Brother,
come out! The coast is
clear!
Edgar!
Edgar
emerges from behind the window and sits next to Edmund.
EDMUND
Where were you?
EDGAR
I don't know. I
found such a good hiding place,
I couldn't find myself. Does this mean I win?
EDMUND
Win what?
EDGAR
Didn't I just beat you in a game of hide and
seek?
EDMUND
No!
EDGAR
Oh. You
beat me?
EDMUND
You were hiding from our father!
EDGAR
Oh! I beat
him!
EDMUND
He wants to kill you!
EDGAR
Well, he is a sore loser, isn't he!
EDMUND
He thinks you are a traitor.
Do you know what a
traitor is?
EDGAR
A kid who likes to swap baseball cards?
EDMUND
You'd better leave the castle before he kills you -
or
before I save him the trouble.
EDGAR
Where will I go?
EDMUND
I'm sure you'll think of something.
EDGAR
Could be. They
say there's a first time for
everything.
EDMUND
Get out of here!!!
Edmund
gives Edgar a shove. Edgar
disappears out the window. Edmund
looks after him for a moment, to make certain Edgar is gone, then he shouts for
his father:
EDMUND
Father! Father!
Come quickly! Edgar's
escaping!
A
moment later, Gloucester rushes on stage and picks up Edmund.
GLOUCESTER
Where? Where's
the villain?
EDMUND
Gone!
GLOUCESTER
Why didn't you stop him?
EDMUND
I tried! But
he pulled a knife on me! And a
sword!
And a cudgel! And an axe!
GLOUCESTER
All that? It's
lucky he didn't kill you!
EDMUND
He tried. But
all those weapons were so heavy,
when he raised them over his head to strike, he
overbalanced and fell out the window!
GLOUCESTER
You had a close call!
EDMUND
Yes, but I would gladly risk my life again and again
for my beloved father, even though I'm only his
poor illegitimate son who won't
even inherit any
of his property when he kicks the bucket!
GLOUCESTER
Don't you worry about that!
I've already changed
my will, and I'm leaving everything to you!
EDMUND
Oh! This
is so unexpected!
GLOUCESTER
Really?
EDMUND
Yes! I
thought you'd need at least a dozen more
hints.
Gloucester
looks offstage, and sees that Regan and Cornwall are about to enter.
GLOUCESTER
Look who's coming!
Enter
Regan and Cornwall. Cornwall grasps
Gloucester by the hand.
CORNWALL
My noble friend. We
have heard the grievous
news!
EDMUND
What do you mean, grievous?
I'm gonna be rich!
REGAN
He means the news that Edgar sought his father's
life!
How are you, my Lord?
GLOUCESTER
My poor old heart is cracked!
It's cracked.
EDMUND
(perking
up)
Really?
Edmund
listens to Gloucester's heart, and is disappointed to hear it beating normally.
REGAN
Didn't Edgar associate with those riotous knights
that
serve my father! I blame them!
They're a
bad influence! In
fact, that's one of the things we
came to talk to you about.
GLOUCESTER
(bowing)
I serve you, Madam.
Your Graces are right
welcome.
Everyone
exits.
*********************************************************
Scene 2
Outside
Gloucester's castle, Kent and Oswald enter from opposite sides of the stage.
Oswald does not recognize Kent.
OSWALD
Good dawning to thee, friend.
Art of this house?
KENT
Aye.
OSWALD
Where shall I put my horse?
KENT
Are you staying here a while?
OSWALD
Yes.
KENT
Then put your horse in your room.
OSWALD
Put him in my room?
What about the smell???
KENT
He'll get used to it.
OSWALD
Why do you insult me?
I don't even know
you.
KENT
I know you. Don't
you remember me, oaf?
I tripped you
up at your mistress's castle.
Draw
your sword!
Kent
draws his sword. Oswald screams for
help and scampers away from Kent.
OSWALD
Help! Help!
Enter
Gloucester, carrying Edmund, followed by Regan and Cornwall.
Cornwall and Gloucester separate Kent and Oswald.
EDMUND
What's going on here?
REGAN
These are the messengers from my sister and the
King.
KENT
This man is a knave, a cowardly rascal, and a
whoreson
lying villain. Draw your sword,
oaf!
Kent
tries to go after Oswald, but Cornwall and Gloucester keep them apart.
KENT
Whatever message this man brings cannot be
trusted.
EDMUND
(to
Regan)
What message did he bring?
REGAN
That my father's men are ruffians who are always
starting fights.
Kent
looks at his own drawn sword and realized that he cannot deny the charge.
KENT
Okay, that can be trusted.
But he is still a filthy,
lily-livered rouge!
CORNWALL
(calling
off-stage)
Fetch the stocks!
We'll teach this man a lesson!
KENT
And well he deserves to learn it!
CORNWALL
Not him! You!!!
KENT
Me!!!
REGAN
(calling
offstage, as her husband did)
Fetch the stocks!
KENT
But I serve the King!
REGAN
You are not fit to serve!
I cannot abide an
uncouth ruffian. Servants
to the royal family
must have stature, dignity, and above all
refinement.
Enter
three Servants: The FIRST SERVANT
is a mean bossy man with his hair in bangs.
The SECOND SERVANT has particularly fuzzy hair.
The THIRD SERVANT is a fat, bald idiot.
The Third Servant has his hands in the holes of a set of stocks, as
though he were imprisoned. However,
because this set of stocks is designed to hold legs rather than arms, the holes
are large enough so that Third Servant can easily remove his arms, when he wants
to. The Three Servants greet Regan
one at a time.
FIRST SERVANT
Your Highness!
The
First Servant kneels, with his head bowed, upstage of the other Servants.
SECOND SERVANT
Your Highness!
The
Second Servant, kneels with his head bowed, downstage of the other Servants.
THIRD SERVANT
We're Low-ness!
The
Third Servant tries to kneel between the other Servants, but when he does so, he
hits his companions on their head with the stocks.
They scream in pain and jump to their feet. The First Servant hits the Third Servant on the top of his
head, and the Third Servant squeals. Then
they all turn back to Regan.
FIRST SERVANT
Here are the stocks you asked for.
THIRD SERVANT
Guess where we got it?
At the stock market!!!
The
Third Servant chuckles, and the First Servant slaps him. When the First Servant turns back to face Regan and Cornwall,
the Third Servant withdraws his right hand from the stocks and hits the First
Servant on the back of the head. The
Third Servant quickly puts his hand back in the stocks.
The First Servant turns angrily, sees that the Third Servant has his
hands in the stocks, and decides the Second Servant must have struck him.
FIRST SERVANT
What's the big idea of hitting me?
The
First Servant slaps the Second Servant.
SECOND SERVANT
Hey, he's the one who smacked you. He took his
hand out of the stocks!
The
Second Servant points at the Third Servant, and the First Servant eyes him
suspiciously.
FIRST SERVANT
Do you promise me you can't get your hands out
of those
stocks?
The
Third Servant takes out his right hand and holds it palm out as he swears.
THIRD SERVANT
I swear it!
The
First Servant hits the Third Servant on the head.
EDMUND
Good help is
hard to find.
CORNWALL
(pointing
at Kent)
Put this man in the stocks!
KENT
You wouldn't treat your father's dog this way!
The
Servants lock Kent's legs in the stocks.
EDMUND
That's true. I've
never seen a dog in the stocks.
CORNWALL
We'll leave him there till noon.
REGAN
Till noon? Till
night, my Lord, and all night too!
Regan
and Cornwall exit with their servants. Edmund
looks at Kent, then turns to Gloucester.
EDMUND
Can we take off his shoes and tickle his feet?
GLOUCESTER
I don't think that would be a good idea.
EDMUND
You're right, they're probably filthy.
Gloucester
approaches Kent.
GLOUCESTER
I'm sorry you are being treated this way.
The
Duke's to blame!
Gloucester
exits with Edmund.
KENT
Fortune, goodnight.
Smile once more, turn thy
wheel.
*********************************************************
Scene 3
The
same location, outside Gloucester's castle, with Kent in the stocks.
Edgar looks up from behind a wall, where he has been hiding.
EDGAR
I heard... I
heard... I'm sure I heard
something.
Kent
notices Edgar.
KENT
Hello. Are
you not Edgar who is proclaimed a
traitor throughout the land, condemned to die
the
death for plotting to kill his own father, the Earl
of Gloucester?
EDGAR
Uh, could you repeat the question?
KENT
Are you not Edgar who is proclaimed a traitor
throughout the land, condemned to die the
death for plotting to kill his own
father, the Earl
of Gloucester?
EDGAR
That's starting to ring a bell.
KENT
All your father's soldiers seek to lay their
hands on
you and subject you to the most vile
torture.
EDGAR
Yup. That's
the way it goes, all right.
KENT
Did you really plot against your father?
EDGAR
I doubt it. I'm
not too good at plotting.
KENT
You're not?
EDGAR
Nope. I
have trouble plotting to wake up
in the morning.
KENT
Then you had better disguise yourself. Grime
your face with filth, rend your clothing, and
call
yourself poor Tom of Bedlam, the mad
beggar.
Can you do that, for your life depends
upon it!
EDGAR
Let's see, I grime my filth with clothing, rend
my
face, and call a beggar names until he's
mad at me.
That shouldn't be a problem.
KENT
Edgar, how can you be so stupid?
EDGAR
I think it runs in the family.
KENT
Go hide! And
remember, if anyone finds you,
you're poor Tom!
EDGAR
Poor Tom! Poor
Tom.
Edgar
exits.
*********************************************************
Scene 4
The
same location, outside Gloucester's castle, with Kent still in the stocks.
Enter King Lear, talking to his Fool.
KING LEAR
'Tis strange that they should so depart from
home, and
not send back my messenger.
Kent calls to Lear from the stocks, and Lear notices him there for the first time.
KENT
Hail to thee, noble master.
Ha? My
messenger!!! Did you, by any
chance, voluntarily elect to confine your
limbs within these wooden fetters?
KENT
No.
KING LEAR
Then am I to assume, as it were, that
someone else has
placed you here?
KENT
That would be a correct assumption.
KING LEAR
Vengeance, plague, death and confusion!
This is an insult to my royal personage!
KENT
It wasn't exactly a compliment to me, either.
KING LEAR
Who hath committed this violent outrage?
KENT
Regan and Cornwall.
KING LEAR
No!
KENT
Yes!
KING LEAR
No, I say!
KENT
I say yes.
KING LEAR
It is worse than murder!
Stay here!
KENT
I don't have much choice in the matter.
King
Lear goes off to enter the castle. Kent
speaks to the Fool.
KENT
Where are all the King's followers?
FOOL
You're looking at him.
KENT
You?
FOOL
Yeah, and I'm leaving if I get a decent offer
from the
King of France. I'd make a great
French Fool.
The
Fool starts imitating the sort of juvenile, silly, over-the-top comedian who
might appeal to a French King.
FOOL
(doing
an imitation)
Oh boy! I
love France. France, with the
thing
and the thing and the snails to eat!
KENT
I believe the current King of France favors
Cordelia's
humor.
FOOL
(dropping
the imitation)
That's any even better reason to go.
KENT
But why have King Lear's followers deserted
him?
FOOL
If they put you in the stocks for asking that
question,
you deserved it. Kings are supposed
to be strong and powerful. That's
what makes
them popular. This King
is as powerful as a
ninety year old prostitute with an advanced
case of
syphilis, but not nearly as popular...
or attractive...or hygienic.
King
Lear returns, accompanied by Gloucester, who is carrying Edmund.
KING LEAR
Where is my offspring, my child, my little
daughter, my
issue Regan?
EDMUND
What was that last part?
KING LEAR
Issue Regan! Issue
Regan!
EDMUND
No, I isn't regin'.
KING LEAR
Let me be clear.
EDMUND
You can try, but you better sober up first.
KING LEAR
Silence, you little blockhead!
I demand to
see my daughter.
GLOUCESTER
But your majesty, you can't...
KING LEAR
(interrupting)
No buts! The
King can see anyone or anything!
EDMUND
Especially after he's had a snootful... which in
your
case must be about six quarts.
KING LEAR
The King would speak with Cornwall and his
wife!
Enter
Cornwall and Regan, followed by their three servants.
During the ensuing dialogue, the servants unlock the stocks and set Kent
free. Then the servants exit.
CORNWALL
Hail to your Grace.
REGAN
I am glad to see your Highness.
KING LEAR
I think you are indeed... unlike your sister,
that
sharp-toothed vulture. You would
not
give credence to the depths of her depravity...
REGAN
(interrupting)
Oh no! Not
Goneril!
KING LEAR
I hate her!
REGAN
I'm sure you misunderstood her.
You are old,
and are likely to misunderstand. I pray you,
return and tell her you have wronged her.
KING LEAR
Apologize to her???
What would you have me
say?
King
Lear gets down on his knees.
KING LEAR
Dear Daughter, I confess that I am old.
Age
is unnecessary. On my
knees, I beg that you
will grant me fresh rags to wear, straw to
sleep upon, and
a tiny crust of stale bread to
eat.
Goneril
enters as Lear completes his speech. She
answers him.
GONERIL
All right, but no booze!
Regan
hurries to Goneril, and the two sisters kiss each other on the cheek.
REGAN
How good of you to come and take back our
father.
GONERIL
Only if he promises to mend his ways.
The
two sisters turn to address their father.
REGAN
Exactly! You
should act your age....
GONERIL
Spend your evenings in a rocking chair...
REGAN
Playing checkers...
GONERIL
Singing hymns...
REGAN
And drinking lemonade.
KING LEAR
(in
a towering rage)
You unnatural hags!
I will have such revenges
on you both that all the world shall... I will
do
such things, what they are yet I know not, but
they shall be the terrors of
the Earth! You
think I'll weep.
No, I'll not weep. I have full
cause of weeping, but this heart will break into
a hundred thousand fragments before I'll weep!
Oh Fool, I shall go mad!
Lear
exits, followed by his Fool and Kent.
GLOUCESTER
Wait!
Gloucester
runs after them.
CORNWALL
Let us withdraw. A
storm is coming.
GONERIL
Whatever happens to our father, he's brought
it on
himself.
Gloucester
returns.
GLOUCESTER
The King is in high rage.
GONERIL
It's his own fault!
REGAN
If he wants to run out into the storm, let him.
Maybe this will teach him a lesson.
CORNWALL
Shut up the doors, my Lord.
'Tis a wild night.
My Regan
counsels well. Come out of the
storm.
Everyone
exits.
*********************************************************
Act III
Scene 1
A
heath outside of the Earl of Gloucester's castle.
A storm is raging, very, very, loudly.
Enter Kent from one side of the stage and an ITALIAN GENTLEMAN from the
other side. They have to shout to
hear each other above the storm.
KENT
Who's there, besides foul weather?
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Owl leather? I haven't got any owl
leather!
KENT
Not leather! Weather!
Weather!
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Sure it's wetter. That's what
happens when it rains.
Everything gets wetter.
KENT
(aside)
I know this man. He
is brother to the King's Fool.
Kent
turns back to the Italian Gentleman and shouts to be heard above the storm.
KENT
I seek the King!
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
You sink the King?
KENT
I seek! I seek!
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Well if you're sick, you shouldn't be out here in
this storm!
KENT
I have to find King Lear. I've
heard Cordelia is
coming to Dover with an army from France. If
you see the King, take him to Dover. Do
you
know where Dover is?
ITALIAN GENTLEMAN
Sure. It's d'over there!
The
Italian Gentleman points in the direction of Dover.
KENT
Fie on this storm! I will go seek
the King.
Kent
exits in one direction and the Italian Gentlemen exits the other way.
*********************************************************
Scene 2
The
storm continues to rage loudly in another part of the heath.
Enter King Lear and his Fool.
KING LEAR
Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks. Rage, blow!
Spit fire! Come drench the
wretched father of
Regan and Goneril!
From high offstage, someone throws a cup of water, representing rainfall, onto Lear. (Lear is standing toward the side of the stage, so the water is able to reach him.)
FOOL
If I didn't have my reputation as a professional
comic to think of, I'd say you were all wet.
KING LEAR
I tax you not, you elements, with unkindness.
I
never gave you kingdom, called you children.
Not like my daughters, Regan and Goneril.
Another
cupful of water is thrown from high offstage, wetting King Lear.
KING LEAR
Here I stand, your slave, a poor, infirm, weak,
and despised old man.
FOOL
Don't forget wet.
KENT
Alas, sir, are you here? Things
that love night love
not such nights as these.
KING LEAR
This night has joined forces with my two pernicious
daughters, Regan and Goneril!
A cup of water is thrown from offstage onto the King.
KING LEAR
I am a man more sinned against than sinning!
FOOL
And more wetted against than wetting.
KENT
I know a hovel nearby, where we may seek
shelter from the storm.
The King walks over to the Fool, and puts his arm around him.
KING LEAR
My poor fool. Look how we are
treated by Regan
and Goneril!
A
cupful of water hits the King and the Fool.
KING LEAR
My wits begin to turn.
FOOL
In which direction? You know, I can
remember
when I had enough sense to come in out of the
rain. Ah, those
were the days.
KING LEAR
Come on, my boy. How dost, my boy?
Art
cold?
I am cold myself.
King
Lear turns to Kent.
KING LEAR
Come, bring us to this hovel!
Kent
leads the others off stage.
*********************************************************
Scene 3
Gloucester's
castle. Enter Gloucester, carrying
Edmund.
GLOUCESTER
Alack, alack, Edmund. I like not
this unnatural
dealing.
EDMUND
You sound like you've been playing cards with
King Lear.
GLOUCESTER
No, I mean the way the King's daughters have
been dealing with him. Letting him
out into the
storm! Can you
believe a child would treat a
parent to cruelly?
EDMUND
It is shocking, isn't it! Most
savage and unnatural!
GLOUCESTER
Can you keep a secret?
EDMUND
My lips are sealed, which is more than I can say
for yours.
GLOUCESTER
I have some secret intelligence!
EDMUND
And you've kept it secret for years!
GLOUCESTER
It's all spelled out in a letter I received, which I've
hidden in my room. It says the
Dukes of Albany
and Cornwall aren't getting along. And
what's
more, Cordelia is coming back from France with
an army! It looks like there will
be a bitter three-way
struggle for England. Be very
careful Edmund!
Trust no one!
EDMUND
Oh, I won't! I won't!
Gloucester
puts Edmund down in a window, and exits. After
Edmund has exited, the actor playing Edmund sneaks back behind and under the
window, unseen by the audience, so that he can operate Edmund.)
EDMUND
I wonder what Regan and Cornwall will give me
for that letter. It should draw me
that which my
father loses; not less than all. The
younger rises
when the old doth fall.
Edmund
exits.
*********************************************************
Scene 4
The heath in front of a hovel, near Gloucester's castle. The storm continues to rage, although not quite so loudly as before. Enter King Lear, Kent and the Fool. Lear is more relaxed for the moment.
KENT
Here is the place, my Lord.
Kent
opens the door to the hovel, but Lear ignores him.
KENT
Good my Lord, enter.
The night's too
rough for nature to endure.
KING LEAR
Let me alone.
KENT
My Lord, enter here.
KING LEAR
You go in. I prefer the storm.
It's touch is kind
compared with my ungrateful daughters, Regan
and Goneril!
From
high offstage, a cupful of water is thrown on King Lear.
KING LEAR
In such a night, to shut me out! Pour on!
I will endure!
KENT
My Lord, please go in out of the storm.
KING LEAR
After you. This storm's fury is
gentle as a cooing
dove compared with my ungracious daughters,
Regan and Goneril!
Another
cupful of water splashes on King Lear.
KING LEAR
Your poor old father gave you all!
Edgar
sticks his head out from the open door of the hovel.
EDGAR
Excuse me, but would you mind closing the door?
It's getting cold in here!
KENT
It's poor Tom o' Bedlam!
EDGAR
Oh. Hello, Tom.
You can come in, if you want
to.
KENT
No, no! You're Tom!
EDGAR
I am? Okay, then I can come in if I
want to. But
I'm already in.
FOOL
This guy's nuts!
KING LEAR
It must have been his cruel daughters, whose filial
ingratitude made him mad.
FOOL
What were their names again?
The
Fool is intentionally trying to get the King to say "Regan and
Goneril."
KING LEAR
Regan and Goneril!!!
A
cupful of water splashes on Lear.
FOOL
I'm going inside.
The
Fool goes inside, and Edgar disappears inside with him.
KENT
Go in, my Lord, I pray you.
Enter
Gloucester, searching in the storm.
GLOUCESTER
Who's there?
KENT
The King and his servant!
GLOUCESTER
My Lord, I had hoped to find you. Your
daughters will not let me bring you back to the
castle, but you shall have shelter here. I
will
bring you food and fire when I can.
Gloucester
enters the hovel, and comes out a moment later holding Edgar.
GLOUCESTER
Who is this? I believe I have seen
his face
somewhere else.
EDGAR
No, it's always been right between my ears!
KENT
He calls himself Tom o' Bedlam. Do
not concern
yourself with him. He is mad.
KING LEAR
His daughters drove him to dementia.
EDGAR
Nope, nope. I'm pretty sure I
walked here.
KING LEAR
I say it was his nefarious daughters!
The
Fool sticks his head out of the hovel.
FOOL
Daughters? What were the names of
your wicked
daughters?
Lear
pulls the Fool out of the hovel, and makes the Fool stand where Lear has been
standing when he's been hit by all the water.
Then Lear goes over to the other side of the stage, where he thinks he
will be out of reach of the water.
KING LEAR
Regan and Goneril!
A
cupful of water is thrown onto Lear from the other side of the stage.
GLOUCESTER
Go in! Go in!
Keep warm!
Lear
reaches to take Edgar from Gloucester.
KING LEAR
I want to converse with this wise philosopher
about his daughters and their dire cruelty.
EDGAR
Yup. That's the way it goes.
GLOUCESTER
Take him!
KING LEAR
Come, good Athenian.
King
Lear takes Edgar and goes into the hovel. Kent
and Gloucester and the Fool follow him in.
*********************************************************
Scene 5
Inside
Gloucester's castle. Enter Cornwall
carrying Edmund. Cornwall puts
Edmund down where he can be operated behind the scenes by the actor playing
Gloucester.
CORNWALL
I will have my revenge ere I depart his house.
Edmund
hands Cornwall the letter which Gloucester was hiding.
EDMUND
Here's the letter. I hope your
realize it isn't easy
for me to rat on my own father.
CORNWALL
It hath made thee Earl of Gloucester.
EDMUND
That makes it a little easier.
CORNWALL
I will put my trust in you, and you shall find a
dearer father in my love.
EDMUND
Thank you. Thank you.
Cornwall
departs.
EDMUND
If he's on the level, he's a bigger chump than my
old man.
Edmund exits through the window he has been sitting in.
*********************************************************
Scene 6
Inside
the hovel on the heath. There are
several stools and benches, and a cot. Enter
Kent and Gloucester, talking.
GLOUCESTER
Here is better than the open air. I will go back to
the castle and bring you what comfort I can.
KENT
The gods reward you for your kindness.
Exit
Gloucester. Enter King Lear,
carrying Edgar, and the Fool. King
Lear puts Edgar down in a window, next to Kent, then King Lear moves away to sit
down. Edgar speaks to Kent
privately.
EDGAR
Say, what's wrong with the guy with the big red
nose?
KENT
That's the King!
EDGAR
Oh. So that's it.
That explains it.
KENT
Explains what?
EDGAR
It explains he's the King!
KENT
He has lost his reason!
EDGAR
I didn't think Kings needed a reason.
KENT
I mean he is mad!
EDGAR
Oh. I thought that was me.
KENT
No, no! You only pretend to be mad!
EDGAR
Oh! Right.
That's right. How am I doing?
KENT
Most excellently!
EDGAR
Well, you know what they say. Some
of us got
it, and some of us can't give it away!
Abruptly,
the mad King decides to stage a trial.
KING LEAR
Hear ye! Hear ye!
Hear ye! It is propitious
that
we proceed with the inquisition of those two
daughters of iniquity: Goneril and
Regan!
FOOL
I dare you to step outside and say that!
KING LEAR
You learned sages shall be judges!
King
Lear points to the Fool and Edgar.
FOOL
Okay, I judge you're mad, and he's an idiot.
KING LEAR
I shall now interrogate the prisoners at the bar.
FOOL
Where else?
King
Lear points to an old, warped, wooden stool which he (in his madness) thinks is
Goneril.
KING LEAR
I take my oath before this honorable assembly
that this is Goneril, who kicked the poor King
her father!
The
Fool gets up and goes over to question the stool.
FOOL
Is your name Goneril?
KING LEAR
She cannot deny it!
FOOL
I beg your pardon. I mistook you
for a stool.
I hope you'll be chair-itable
and forgive me.
KING LEAR
And here stands her evil sister!
The
King points to another wooden stool.
FOOL
I can see the family resemblance.
King
Lear addresses the Fool and Edgar, as though he were addressing judges.
KING LEAR
I submit to you...
FOOL
(interrupting)
It's about time you submitted to me!
KING LEAR
These dreadful daughters have, ipso facto, ...
FOOL
(interrupting)
I've got a brother named Ipso.
Or is it Facto?
KING LEAR
These dreadful daughters would deny their father
even that shred of mercy shown to Socrates.
His executioners gave him a quick death by
hemlock!
EDGAR
Who?
FOOL
Hemlock, Prince of Denmark.
KING LEAR
My daughters want me to suffer a prolonged death
by lemonade. They would deny their
father that
sweet surcease of sorrow afforded by the loving
hand of gentle alcohol.
FOOL
Maybe they just want you stop shooting pink
elephants when company comes.
KING LEAR
It's a lie! A gross and palpable
canard! I never
shot a pink elephant in my life!
FOOL
Not even in your pink pajamas?
KING LEAR
Quite the antithesis. My aim is
hopeless when I've
been imbibing.
KENT
My good lord, lie here and rest awhile.
Kent leads King Lear over to the cot, where the King lies down.
KING LEAR
Make no noise. Draw the curtains.
I will drink my
supper in the morning.
Lear
falls asleep, and Kent pulls a blanket over him. .
There is a moment of silence, then the Fool speaks.
FOOL
I wonder what my brothers are up to. I think I'll
go look for them as soon as this scene is over.
Enter
Gloucester.
GLOUCESTER
Where is the King?
KENT
Here, sir, but his wits are gone.
GLOUCESTER
I have reason to believe his daughters plan
to murder him! Get him to Dover at
once!
Come,
come away!
Everyone
exits.
*********************************************************
Scene 7
Inside
Gloucester's castle. Enter Cornwall
carrying Edmund, followed by Regan, Goneril and the Three Servants.
Cornwall speaks first to Goneril and then to Edmund.
CORNWALL
Post speedily to my lord your husband. Show
him this letter. The army of France
is landed!
Edmund, you had better leave with Goneril.
The revenge we will take upon your father is not
fit for your beholding.
Goneril
takes the letter from Cornwall, and also takes Edmund. She exits, carrying Edmund.
Cornwall turns to the servants.
CORNWALL
Go, seek the traitor Gloucester.
The three servants exit.
CORNWALL
It might not be wise to take his life, but we shall
punish him for aiding the French invaders.
Enter
the servants, holding Gloucester.
CORNWALL
Bind him to that chair!
The
servants force Gloucester into a chair and tie him to it.
GLOUCESTER
What will you do to me?
CORNWALL
We know you have been conspiring with the
French who even now invade our lands!
REGAN
Where is the King? Where has he
gone?
GLOUCESTER
To Dover.
REGAN
Why to Dover?
GLOUCESTER
Because I would not see your cruel nails pluck
out his poor old eyes!
CORNWALL
See it shalt thou never!
Cornwall
takes out a dagger as he approaches the chair in which Gloucester is tied.
He speaks to the servants, who are beginning to look very upset.
CORNWALL
Hold the chair!
FIRST SERVANT
What are you going to do?
CORNWALL
Pluck out his eyes!
THIRD SERVANT
Don't you mean poke him in the eye?
CORNWALL
I said pluck and I meant pluck!
FIRST SERVANT
You can't do that!
CORNWALL
Why not?
THIRD SERVANT
It isn't funny!
FIRST SERVANT
Now if you were to poke him in the eye, that
would be funny. There's nothing funnier
than a
finger in the eye.
THIRD SERVANT
Unless its fingers in two eyes!
CORNWALL
I am not trying to be funny!
FIRST SERVANT
Okay, but don't ruin it for the rest of us!
The
first and third servants have moved in front of Gloucester.
CORNWALL
Get out of my way, your dogs!
The
third servant barks at Cornwall.
THIRD SERVANT
Ruff! Ruff!
FIRST SERVANT
Look, boss, why don't you try a poke. You might
like it.
CORNWALL
You mean like this?
Cornwall
slowly presses his fingers against Gloucester's eyes. Then he pushes his fingers in, blinding Gloucester.
Gloucester screams in agony!
GLOUCESTER
Augh! I cannot see!
I cannot see!
FIRST SERVANT
Why not?
GLOUCESTER
Because he has plucked out my eyes!
(A note about that last line. A friend of mine pointed out that to get a laugh, Gloucester's line should be "Because he plucked my eyes out." My friend was right, but I hadn't intended that line to be funny. So if you want to go for a moment of pain and horror, have Gloucester say, "Because he has plucked out my eyes!" If you want to go for the laugh, have him say, "Because he plucked my eyes out." )
FIRST SERVANT
(to Cornwall)
You shouldn't have done that!
THIRD SERVANT
That wasn't funny at all!
Cornwall takes his sword and hands it to the second servant, who has been cowering over to one side.
CORNWALL
You! Take this sword and kill these
impudent
villains!
SECOND SERVANT
What impudent villains?
CORNWALL
(pointing at the other servants)
Those impudent villains!
SECOND SERVANT
Oh, those impudent villains. Couldn't I just poke
them in the eye?
CORNWALL
Kill them, unless you wish to die yourself!
SECOND SERVANT
Okay. Sorry guys!
The second servant swings the sword way back over his head in order to deliver a blow, and he accidentally stabs Cornwall. Cornwall is fatally wounded, but he doesn't die immediately.
CORNWALL
Augh!
REGAN
Give me that sword!
Regan
grabs the sword and runs through all three servants at once!
They are all pierced by the sword like three pieces of meat on a shish
kabob.
FIRST, SECOND & THIRD
SERVANTS
Oh! We are slain!
They
die in unison.
GLOUCESTER
Where is Edmund? He will avenge
this atrocity!
REGAN
Edmund hates you! It was he that
informed us
of your treason!
GLOUCESTER
Then Edgar was abused!
Regan
unties Gloucester from the chair and shoves him from the room.
REGAN
Go out the gate! Smell your way to
Dover!
As
soon as Gloucester is gone, Regan turns to Cornwall, who is mortally wounded.
REGAN
How are you, my lord?
CORNWALL
Hurt. I bleed apace.
Give me your arm.
Regan
help him from the room.
*********************************************************
Act IV
Scene 1
On
the heath, on the way to Dover, Edgar sits on a stone wall. He hears something and looks offstage.
EDGAR
Who comes here?
Gloucester,
who is now blind, is led on stage by a very OLD MAN. The old man is very weak and tired, and he can barely walk.
OLD MAN
You must let me help you, my good lord.
I
have been your tenant and your father's tenant
for eighty years.
GLOUCESTER
Go away. No
one can help. As flies to wanton
boys are we to the gods. They kill
us for their
sport.
Gloucester
feels his way around the stage, and bumps into Edgar. He picks him up.
EDGAR
Look on the bright side.
Things could be worse.
And
I bet they will be.
OLD MAN
You call that the bright side???
EDGAR
Um. I
don't really know. I've never been
on the
bright side, myself.
GLOUCESTER
Who is this? His
voice is familiar.
OLD MAN
It's poor mad Tom.
GLOUCESTER
Then let him guide me to Dover.
OLD MAN
But he is mad!
GLOUCESTER
And you are old. I
trust his youth above your
wits. Mad
Tom, can you tell me how to get to
Dover?
EDGAR
Dover? Let's
see. You want to get to Dover?
Are you sure you don't want to get here.
Because
I could tell you how to get here.
GLOUCESTER
No, I don't want to get to here. I want to get to
Dover.
EDGAR
And this isn't Dover, is it?
GLOUCESTER
No.
EDGAR
Well then, if you want to go to Dover, I guess you
should start by going away from here!
GLOUCESTER
Never mind. We
will find it together. And when
we
get to Dover, you will take me to a cliff high
over the ocean. If we can find that cliff, I will need
no one to lead me from
there.
EDGAR
Uh, yup! That's
the way it goes. I will lead
you
to Dover.
GLOUCESTER
Good.
EDGAR
Will you lead me?
OLD MAN
Dover is that way!!!
The
old man grabs Gloucester and pushes him off in the direction of Dover.
Gloucester stumbles off, carrying Edgar.
The old man exits in the other direction.
*********************************************************
Scene 2
On the road to Albany's castle. Enter Goneril, carrying Edmund.
GONERIL
Welcome, my lord, to our castle. I marvel that
my mild husband did not meet us on the way.
She
puts him down in a window.
EDMUND
Your husband is a gentle man, isn't he?
GONERIL
He thinks too much of others.
I'll bet you don't
think too much of others.
EDMUND
Well, I don't think too much of your husband.
That's for sure!
Enter
Oswald, the servant.
GONERIL
Where is your master?
OSWALD
He is within. I
do not know what has come over
him. When
I told him the French army had
landed, he smiled. When I told him you were
coming, he scowled.
GONERIL
He is a spineless coward!
Oswald
exits.
GONERIL
Edmund, go back to the Duke of Cornwall and
lead his
army. I will command my husband's
forces.
EDMUND
We'll beat those French invaders.
GONERIL
You're so firm!
EDMUND
You noticed that, did you?
GONERIL
You are a man after my own heart!
EDMUND
And that's not all I'm after!
GONERIL
Bend your head.
Edmund bends his head, and Goneril kisses him passionately. When the kiss is over, she nearly swoons.
GONERIL
Fare thee well.
She
kisses him again. This time Edmund
swoons and falls backward out the window. Albany
enters.
GONERIL
(aside)
Oh the difference between man and man!
Goneril
turns and addresses her husband.
GONERIL
They say it is a poor dog that is not worth the
whistling. Why haven't you sent for
me? I am
worth the whistle.
ALBANY
Oh, Goneril, you are not worth the dust which
the rude
wind blows in your face. What have
you and your sister done to your poor father?
GONERIL
No more nor less than he deserved. I have
treated him according to his merits, what little
they
are. Would you have me welcome him
and the French to take all we own?
ALBANY