A
NIGHT IN ELSINORE
by Richard Nathan
ACT
I
Scene I takes place on a platform in front of Elsinore Castle. FRANCISCO is on duty. Enter BERNARDO.
BERNARDO
Who's
there?
FRANCISCO
Nay,
answer me. Stand and unfold
yourself.
BERNARDO
Long
live the King!
FRANCISCO
Bernardo?
BERNARDO
I
am he.
FRANCISCO
You
come most carefully upon your
hour.
BERNARDO
'Tis
now struck twelve.
Off
stage, there is the sound of someone approaching.
FRANCISCO
Who
is there? Stand ho!
Enter
HORATIO, who is dressed rather shabbily and who speaks
with an unusual Italian accent. He
is more an antique
Roman than a Dane.
HORATIO
That's
right! You guessed it.
BERNARDO
What's
right? Guessed what?
HORATIO
You
said, "Stand Ho!" That's me!
Ho!
BERNARDO
Ho!
Ho who?
HORATIO
Gezundheit!
FRANCISCO
Why,
'tis good Horatio! How dost
thou, Horatio?
HORATIO
I
don't do much dusting anymore.
I'm
a guard now.
I guard the
castle
gate, and I do a pretty good
job
too.
FRANCISCO
Really?
HORATIO
Sure.
It's still there.
BERNARDO
Has
the apparition appeared again
tonight?
FRANCISCO
I
have seen nothing.
BERNARDO
Horatio,
do you know ought of the
Ghost?
HORATIO
Well,
I ought to. Hey, that's some
funny joke,
eh?
BERNARDO
Come,
come, Horatio. Do you know
anything
of ghosts?
HORATIO
Sure,
I knew an old ghost once.
But
that was a
long, long time ago.
He's probably dead by now.
FRANCISCO
Look!
It comes again! The ghost
of our late King
Hamlet!
Enter
the GHOST, a bright-eyed imp who happens to be mute.
BERNARDO
There
is the apparition!
HORATIO
I
don't believe it.
The
Ghost and Horatio joyously embrace.
BERNARDO
Stay
illusion! If thou hast any sound
or use of
voice, speak to me!
The
Ghost honks a horn.
FRANCISCO
Question
it, Horatio.
HORATIO
Hey,
Ghost, how ya doing?
The
Ghost does a melodramatic death scene.
HORATIO
You're
dead, huh? Gee, that's too
bad.
The
Ghost sits up and nods his head "yes."
FRANCISCO
Ask
him about the war!
HORATIO
What
war?
FRANCISCO
Ask
him if we should go to war with
young
Fortinbras!
HORATIO
Hey,
Ghost, should we go to war with Fortinbras?
The
Ghost shakes his head "no." He
hold up ten fingers,
HORATIO
No.
He says Fortinbras is too many.
He thinks we
should go to war
with thirteen-bras.
The
Ghost slaps his knee and goes into fits of silent
laughter.
FRANCISCO
No,
no! You remember, young Fortinbras
is the
son of old Fortinbras,
who was King of Norway,
until our late King Hamlet
killed him and took most
of
the Norwegian lands.
The
Ghost mocks Francisco's overly-serious manner, and makes
faces at him. Suddenly he looks
offstage and panics.
HORATIO
What's
the matter?
The
Ghost starts to run offstage, but Horatio blocks his way.
HORATIO
Where
you going? What're you doing?
The
Ghost whistles and points to the horizon.
HORATIO
What
do you mean? I don't get it.
The
Ghost decides to explain in pantomime. The
Ghost points
down.
HORATIO
Down?
The
Ghost whistles and nods enthusiastically. Then
the Ghost
mimes picking up something and raising it.
HORATIO
What?
Down is up? You're crazy!
How can
down be up?
The
Ghost shakes his head "no." He
holds out a hand to signal
that he wants to start again.
HORATIO
Okay.
We start again.
The
Ghost mimes putting a cigar into his mouth, and then loping
across the stage while raising and lowering his eyebrows.
HORATIO
Wait
a minute! I think I seen that
guy before. Let
me think ...
I know! That's the man who comes
to fix the sink!
The
Ghost shakes his head "no."
HORATIO
No?
Who is it?
The
Ghost mimes holding a baby in his arms, acting like a father.
HORATIO
It's
your son? It's Prince Hamlet?
The one you
named after yourself?
Funny, he looks just
like
the man who comes to fix the
sink.
The
Ghost threatens to hit Horatio.
HORATIO
OK.
Hamlet. He's your son.
Your
son!
The Ghost mimes proudly holding the baby in his arms. Then he mimes lifting the baby up.
HORATIO
He's
going up? Hamlet's going up?
The Ghost shakes his head "no," and then holds out his hand to signal that he wants to try again.
HORATIO
OK.
We try again.
The Ghost again mimes Hamlet loping across the stage. Then, as Hamlet, he starts silently weeping and crying.
HORATIO
Hamlet.
He's sad. He's crying.
Why's
he crying?
The
Ghost points to himself and does his death scene again.
Then he goes back to Hamlet crying, and pointing to
where he died.
HORATIO
He
cries because you're dead.
He's
in mourning.
As soon as Horatio says, "mourning," the Ghost starts joyfully jumping up and down and nodding "yes."
HORATIO
That's
it!!! Mourning!
It's morning
...
The
Ghost again mimes lifting the baby.
HORATIO
.
. . and something's going up.
The
sun is coming
up! It's morning, dawn! It's
dawn, and the sun is
coming
up, so you've got to leave
now. OK, I
understand. Good-bye,
Ghost. I'll be seeing you.
Good-bye.
The
Ghost exits, waving good-bye and blowing kisses.
HORATIO
Hey,
he's a nice ghost.
FRANCISCO
Come.
Let us impart what we have
seen tonight
to young Prince
Hamlet.
Exeunt.
**********************************************************
Scene
II
Scene
II takes place in a room in Elsinore Castle.
Flourish.
Enter the KING, the QUEEN, HAMLET (who has his back
to the audience), POLONIUS, LAERTES, and OPHELIA.
The
King is a slightly overweight man with a beard and a middle-European
accent. His name is Claudius.
Gertrude, the
Queen, is a stately dowager-type. Polonius
is a foolish
old man. Ophelia is an attractive
blonde who is very
clever and very ambitious. Laertes
is a young man, excitable,
but not very bright. In the
original production
of this play, he was played in a style resembling
Daffy Duck (including the lisp), and it worked.
KING
Though
yet of Hamlet our dear brother's
death
the memory be green,
and it befitted us to
bear
our hearts in grief, and our
whole kingdom
to be contracted
in one brow of woe, it's
time
we faced the fact the old
king's dead, and I must
run the
kingdom. I thank you all for
your
condolences on the death
of my brother, the
late King,
as I thank you for your good
wishes
on my marriage to his
widow, the Queen.
Now then,
on
to our royal business. Young
Fortinbras
has demanded that we surrender
the lands lost by his father.
I have sent word
to the aged
king of Norway, ordering him
to
bring young Fortinbras into
line! Not one
patch of land
shall we give up!
The King looks around the room. Everyone except Hamlet looks pleased. The King looks at Laertes.
KING
Now,
good Laertes, did you have something
you
wished to ask of me?
LAERTES
Yes,
Sire, your leave and favor to
return to
France.
KING
Ahh,
France, eh? I'm told that France
is a
lovely country, and I
hear they make most
excellent wines
there. Go. Enjoy yourself.
And be sure to send some
postcards.
Now, my nephew
Hamlet,
my son, how
is it the clouds
still hang on you?
Hamlet turns to face the audience, and we see his face for the first time. Hamlet has a big, black mustache that looks as if it might have been painted on, and he smokes a cigar.
HAMLET
Nay,
I am too much in the sun!
Get
it? That's a
joke. My real father
just died, and now I've got
you for a father, so I'm too much
in the sun! Boy,
that Shakespeare
sure could write. I'd
like to see
Francis Bacon pull
off a joke like that.
KING
Hmmmmm.
Come, Hamlet, my son, how
is it the
clouds still hang on
you?
HAMLET
I
don't know. Maybe it's because
you're reigning.
QUEEN
Good
Hamlet, I know full well the
love you bore
your father. But
cast thy nighted color off!
If
he
were here today, do you think
your father would
want us to
mourn on and on, wearing the same
customary suit of solemn black,
day in and day out?
HAMLET
Well,
he'd probably ask you to change
your socks.
QUEEN
Hamlet,
. . .
HAMLET
In
fact, that's still a pretty good
idea. And while
you're at it,
change your husband.
QUEEN
Hamlet,
I loved your dear, departed
father. No
woman could have
loved him more.
HAMLET
Of
course not! No other dame ever
had a chance,
not with you watching
him like a hawk. And a
fat
lot of good it did him, ... poor
old Dad.
KING
Hamlet,
it's unfortunate that your
father died, but
fathers have
a way of doing that. My father
died,
and his father died before
him, and his father
died...
HAMLET
Yeah,
but uncles go on forever.
Don't
you?
KING
Hamlet,
why don't you try to think
of me as
your father?
HAMLET
OK,
bury yourself six feet underground,
and I'll
give it a shot.
KING
Gertrude,
we must do something about
this son of
yours.
Exeunt
all but Hamlet.
HAMLET
Oh
that this too, too solid flesh
would melt, or at
least that
they would turn up the heat a
little. To
think that it should
come to this! My father but
two months dead, and my mother
married to this
satyr. I recall
the day they wed. It was a
satyr-day.
Heaven and Earth,
must
I remember? My mother
has married
my uncle, and turned me into
my own
cousin. Frailty, thy
name is woman. And woman,
thy
name is Frailty. My name is Hamlet,
and I'm
ashamed to meet the
both of you.
Enter Horatio, Francisco and Bernardo. Horatio consults with his friends.
HORATIO
Hey,
is that him?
HAMLET
Horatio,
-- or I do forget myself!
HORATIO
Well,
I don't know. Who do you think
you are?
HAMLET
I'm
Hamlet, Prince of Denmark.
HORATIO
Then
you don't forget yourself...
not unless you're
the
man who comes to fix the sink.
Then you got
a problem.
HAMLET
This
can't be anyone but Horatio.
Don't you
remember me? We
went to school together!
HORATIO
Sure,
I know you! You're Hamlet!
HAMLET
And
you're Horatio! But I thought
you were still
going to school
in Wittenberg.
HORATIO
No,
I left there a long time ago.
I was too smart for
them.
HAMLET
Oh
really?
HORATIO
Yeah.
All the professors said they'd
never be able
to teach me anything.
HAMLET
Horatio,
something is rotten in the
state of Denmark,
and I think
it's you.
HORATIO
That
reminds me. I think I saw your
father's ghost
last night!
HAMLET
What?
Are you sure it was him?
Did
you speak
to him?
HORATIO
We
spoke. But he wouldn't answer.
HAMLET
That
sounds like Dad, all right.
Listen,
boys, this is
something I'm
going to have to see for myself.
Let's
meet at the top of
the castle tonight.
Exeunt.
**********************************************************
Scene
III
Scene III takes place in a room in Polonius' house. Enter Laertes and Ophelia.
LAERTES
My
necessaries are embarked.
Farewell.
And
sister, do be wary
of the affections of Prince
Hamlet. Perhaps he
does love you now, but he
is subject to
his birth, and therefore he must
choose a royal bride.
OPHELIA
Laertes,
don't be such an ass! Use
your brain for
once!
Do you think
for one minute that Claudius
is going to
let Hamlet marry a princess?
LAERTES
Huh?
OPHELIA
Listen!
Hamlet has a better claim
to the throne
than his uncle Claudius does, right? If
Hamlet
marries into another royal family, he'll gain
powerful allies to help him win the crown.
You
think
Claudius wants
that? All I have to do is
convince the
King that Hamlet's
with my affections, and I guarantee you we'll be
married before Hamlet knows what's hit him.
Then I'll figure
out some way to get rid of
Claudius, and I'll be Queen of Denmark!
LAERTES
Sister,
you're brilliant! But look,
here comes
our father!
Enter Polonius.
POLONIUS
Yet here,
Laertes? My blessings with
thee!
And take these few precepts
in thy memory:
Be thou familiar,
but by no means vulgar.
Enter Horatio.
HORATIO
What's he
gonna do in France if he can't be vulgar?
How's he gonna
fit in?
POLONIUS
Horatio,
you're not supposed to be here, are you?
HORATIO
No, but I got
two more hours before I'm supposed
to go to a secret meeting with Hamlet at the top of
the castle, so I got lots of time to kill.
POLONIUS
I was just
giving some advice to my son.
HORATIO
That's OK.
I'll add vice too.
I got
lots of vice.
POLONIUS
Very well.
Laertes, neither a borrower
nor a lender
be . . .
HORATIO
That's a good
idea. But you know
what? You're too
late.
Laertes
loaned me ten gold kroner
this morning.
POLONIUS
Then give it
back to him!
HORATIO
I can't. Right after he gave me the
money, I put it
down, and then I lost it.
POLONIUS
You put it
down and lost it???
HORATIO
Yeah, I put
it down on a horse.
POLONIUS
This is
terrible.
HORATIO
Yeah, now
your son, he's a lender, and what are we
gonna do? Hey, I got a great idea!
You
loan me ten
gold kroner, and then I'll pay Laertes back, and then
he won't be a lender anymore.
POLONIUS
But if I lend
you the money, then I'll be a lender, and
you'll still be a borrower.
HORATIO
OK, I got a
better idea. You don't
be a lender, I don't
be a borrower. You just give me the
money.
How's
that?
POLONIUS
I don't know about this.
HORATIO
You want your
son to stay a lender all his life?
Polonius
reaches into his money bag and takes out a gold
POLONIUS
But all I've
got is this twenty-kroner piece. Have
you got change for that?
HORATIO
No, but I'll
take it, just the same.
Horatio
pockets the twenty-kroner piece.
POLONIUS
At least you can now pay back to Laertes the
ten kroner you owe him.
HORATIO
Laertes, you
got change for twenty kroner?
LAERTES
No, I'm
afraid not.
Horatio
turns to Polonius.
HORATIO
Now we got
another problem. I can't
give this
coin to him. If I
give him the coin, he'll owe
me money. If he owes me money, then
he'll be
a borrower. He can't
be a borrower if you just
told him not to be a borrower!
POLONIUS
But...
HORATIO
Hey, I just
got another great idea. Laertes,
why
don't you just say you gave me the ten gold
kroner? Then you
won't be a
lender! You won't
be a borrower! You'll just be a
nice guy,
like
your father!
LAERTES
Sounds okay to me.
Ophelia,
the only really smart one in the family, is
OPHELIA
Horatio,
you're nothing but a cheap, conniving
crook!
HORATIO
Yeah, that's
me.
OPHELIA
How can you
be so dishonest?
HORATIO
One time I
tried to be honest, but then I said to
myself, "Horatio, to thine own self be true."
So if mine own self is a crook,
that's what I gotta
do. Good-bye!
Horatio walks out with his twenty-kroner piece. Ophelia glares at him. Laertes and Polonius are still trying to puzzle out what happened to their money. Exeunt Ophelia, Laertes and Polonius.
**********************************************************
Scene IV
Scene
IV takes place back on the platform in front of Elsinore
Castle, where Scene I took place. Enter
Hamlet, Horatio,
Bernardo and Francisco.
HAMLET
The
air bites shrewdly; it is very
cold. Say, are
you fellows sure
this is where dear old Dad
is
going to show up?
BERNARDO
The
ghost has appeared at this very
spot three
nights past, my lord,
then vanished before the sun
&nb