A
NIGHT IN ELSINORE
by Richard Nathan
ACT
I
Scene I takes place on a platform in front of Elsinore Castle. FRANCISCO is on duty. Enter BERNARDO.
BERNARDO
Who's
there?
FRANCISCO
Nay,
answer me. Stand and unfold
yourself.
BERNARDO
Long
live the King!
FRANCISCO
Bernardo?
BERNARDO
I
am he.
FRANCISCO
You
come most carefully upon your
hour.
BERNARDO
'Tis
now struck twelve.
Off
stage, there is the sound of someone approaching.
FRANCISCO
Who
is there? Stand ho!
Enter
HORATIO, who is dressed rather shabbily and who speaks
with an unusual Italian accent. He
is more an antique
Roman than a Dane.
HORATIO
That's
right! You guessed it.
BERNARDO
What's
right? Guessed what?
HORATIO
You
said, "Stand Ho!" That's me!
Ho!
BERNARDO
Ho!
Ho who?
HORATIO
Gezundheit!
FRANCISCO
Why,
'tis good Horatio! How dost
thou, Horatio?
HORATIO
I
don't do much dusting anymore.
I'm
a guard now.
I guard the
castle
gate, and I do a pretty good
job
too.
FRANCISCO
Really?
HORATIO
Sure.
It's still there.
BERNARDO
Has
the apparition appeared again
tonight?
FRANCISCO
I
have seen nothing.
BERNARDO
Horatio,
do you know ought of the
Ghost?
HORATIO
Well,
I ought to. Hey, that's some
funny joke,
eh?
BERNARDO
Come,
come, Horatio. Do you know
anything
of ghosts?
HORATIO
Sure,
I knew an old ghost once.
But
that was a
long, long time ago.
He's probably dead by now.
FRANCISCO
Look!
It comes again! The ghost
of our late King
Hamlet!
Enter
the GHOST, a bright-eyed imp who happens to be mute.
BERNARDO
There
is the apparition!
HORATIO
I
don't believe it.
The
Ghost and Horatio joyously embrace.
BERNARDO
Stay
illusion! If thou hast any sound
or use of
voice, speak to me!
The
Ghost honks a horn.
FRANCISCO
Question
it, Horatio.
HORATIO
Hey,
Ghost, how ya doing?
The
Ghost does a melodramatic death scene.
HORATIO
You're
dead, huh? Gee, that's too
bad.
The
Ghost sits up and nods his head "yes."
FRANCISCO
Ask
him about the war!
HORATIO
What
war?
FRANCISCO
Ask
him if we should go to war with
young
Fortinbras!
HORATIO
Hey,
Ghost, should we go to war with Fortinbras?
The
Ghost shakes his head "no." He
hold up ten fingers,
HORATIO
No.
He says Fortinbras is too many.
He thinks we
should go to war
with thirteen-bras.
The
Ghost slaps his knee and goes into fits of silent
laughter.
FRANCISCO
No,
no! You remember, young Fortinbras
is the
son of old Fortinbras,
who was King of Norway,
until our late King Hamlet
killed him and took most
of
the Norwegian lands.
The
Ghost mocks Francisco's overly-serious manner, and makes
faces at him. Suddenly he looks
offstage and panics.
HORATIO
What's
the matter?
The
Ghost starts to run offstage, but Horatio blocks his way.
HORATIO
Where
you going? What're you doing?
The
Ghost whistles and points to the horizon.
HORATIO
What
do you mean? I don't get it.
The
Ghost decides to explain in pantomime. The
Ghost points
down.
HORATIO
Down?
The
Ghost whistles and nods enthusiastically. Then
the Ghost
mimes picking up something and raising it.
HORATIO
What?
Down is up? You're crazy!
How can
down be up?
The
Ghost shakes his head "no." He
holds out a hand to signal
that he wants to start again.
HORATIO
Okay.
We start again.
The
Ghost mimes putting a cigar into his mouth, and then loping
across the stage while raising and lowering his eyebrows.
HORATIO
Wait
a minute! I think I seen that
guy before. Let
me think ...
I know! That's the man who comes
to fix the sink!
The
Ghost shakes his head "no."
HORATIO
No?
Who is it?
The
Ghost mimes holding a baby in his arms, acting like a father.
HORATIO
It's
your son? It's Prince Hamlet?
The one you
named after yourself?
Funny, he looks just
like
the man who comes to fix the
sink.
The
Ghost threatens to hit Horatio.
HORATIO
OK.
Hamlet. He's your son.
Your
son!
The Ghost mimes proudly holding the baby in his arms. Then he mimes lifting the baby up.
HORATIO
He's
going up? Hamlet's going up?
The Ghost shakes his head "no," and then holds out his hand to signal that he wants to try again.
HORATIO
OK.
We try again.
The Ghost again mimes Hamlet loping across the stage. Then, as Hamlet, he starts silently weeping and crying.
HORATIO
Hamlet.
He's sad. He's crying.
Why's
he crying?
The
Ghost points to himself and does his death scene again.
Then he goes back to Hamlet crying, and pointing to
where he died.
HORATIO
He
cries because you're dead.
He's
in mourning.
As soon as Horatio says, "mourning," the Ghost starts joyfully jumping up and down and nodding "yes."
HORATIO
That's
it!!! Mourning!
It's morning
...
The
Ghost again mimes lifting the baby.
HORATIO
.
. . and something's going up.
The
sun is coming
up! It's morning, dawn! It's
dawn, and the sun is
coming
up, so you've got to leave
now. OK, I
understand. Good-bye,
Ghost. I'll be seeing you.
Good-bye.
The
Ghost exits, waving good-bye and blowing kisses.
HORATIO
Hey,
he's a nice ghost.
FRANCISCO
Come.
Let us impart what we have
seen tonight
to young Prince
Hamlet.
Exeunt.
**********************************************************
Scene
II
Scene
II takes place in a room in Elsinore Castle.
Flourish.
Enter the KING, the QUEEN, HAMLET (who has his back
to the audience), POLONIUS, LAERTES, and OPHELIA.
The
King is a slightly overweight man with a beard and a middle-European
accent. His name is Claudius.
Gertrude, the
Queen, is a stately dowager-type. Polonius
is a foolish
old man. Ophelia is an attractive
blonde who is very
clever and very ambitious. Laertes
is a young man, excitable,
but not very bright. In the
original production
of this play, he was played in a style resembling
Daffy Duck (including the lisp), and it worked.
KING
Though
yet of Hamlet our dear brother's
death
the memory be green,
and it befitted us to
bear
our hearts in grief, and our
whole kingdom
to be contracted
in one brow of woe, it's
time
we faced the fact the old
king's dead, and I must
run the
kingdom. I thank you all for
your
condolences on the death
of my brother, the
late King,
as I thank you for your good
wishes
on my marriage to his
widow, the Queen.
Now then,
on
to our royal business. Young
Fortinbras
has demanded that we surrender
the lands lost by his father.
I have sent word
to the aged
king of Norway, ordering him
to
bring young Fortinbras into
line! Not one
patch of land
shall we give up!
The King looks around the room. Everyone except Hamlet looks pleased. The King looks at Laertes.
KING
Now,
good Laertes, did you have something
you
wished to ask of me?
LAERTES
Yes,
Sire, your leave and favor to
return to
France.
KING
Ahh,
France, eh? I'm told that France
is a
lovely country, and I
hear they make most
excellent wines
there. Go. Enjoy yourself.
And be sure to send some
postcards.
Now, my nephew
Hamlet,
my son, how
is it the clouds
still hang on you?
Hamlet turns to face the audience, and we see his face for the first time. Hamlet has a big, black mustache that looks as if it might have been painted on, and he smokes a cigar.
HAMLET
Nay,
I am too much in the sun!
Get
it? That's a
joke. My real father
just died, and now I've got
you for a father, so I'm too much
in the sun! Boy,
that Shakespeare
sure could write. I'd
like to see
Francis Bacon pull
off a joke like that.
KING
Hmmmmm.
Come, Hamlet, my son, how
is it the
clouds still hang on
you?
HAMLET
I
don't know. Maybe it's because
you're reigning.
QUEEN
Good
Hamlet, I know full well the
love you bore
your father. But
cast thy nighted color off!
If
he
were here today, do you think
your father would
want us to
mourn on and on, wearing the same
customary suit of solemn black,
day in and day out?
HAMLET
Well,
he'd probably ask you to change
your socks.
QUEEN
Hamlet,
. . .
HAMLET
In
fact, that's still a pretty good
idea. And while
you're at it,
change your husband.
QUEEN
Hamlet,
I loved your dear, departed
father. No
woman could have
loved him more.
HAMLET
Of
course not! No other dame ever
had a chance,
not with you watching
him like a hawk. And a
fat
lot of good it did him, ... poor
old Dad.
KING
Hamlet,
it's unfortunate that your
father died, but
fathers have
a way of doing that. My father
died,
and his father died before
him, and his father
died...
HAMLET
Yeah,
but uncles go on forever.
Don't
you?
KING
Hamlet,
why don't you try to think
of me as
your father?
HAMLET
OK,
bury yourself six feet underground,
and I'll
give it a shot.
KING
Gertrude,
we must do something about
this son of
yours.
Exeunt
all but Hamlet.
HAMLET
Oh
that this too, too solid flesh
would melt, or at
least that
they would turn up the heat a
little. To
think that it should
come to this! My father but
two months dead, and my mother
married to this
satyr. I recall
the day they wed. It was a
satyr-day.
Heaven and Earth,
must
I remember? My mother
has married
my uncle, and turned me into
my own
cousin. Frailty, thy
name is woman. And woman,
thy
name is Frailty. My name is Hamlet,
and I'm
ashamed to meet the
both of you.
Enter Horatio, Francisco and Bernardo. Horatio consults with his friends.
HORATIO
Hey,
is that him?
HAMLET
Horatio,
-- or I do forget myself!
HORATIO
Well,
I don't know. Who do you think
you are?
HAMLET
I'm
Hamlet, Prince of Denmark.
HORATIO
Then
you don't forget yourself...
not unless you're
the
man who comes to fix the sink.
Then you got
a problem.
HAMLET
This
can't be anyone but Horatio.
Don't you
remember me? We
went to school together!
HORATIO
Sure,
I know you! You're Hamlet!
HAMLET
And
you're Horatio! But I thought
you were still
going to school
in Wittenberg.
HORATIO
No,
I left there a long time ago.
I was too smart for
them.
HAMLET
Oh
really?
HORATIO
Yeah.
All the professors said they'd
never be able
to teach me anything.
HAMLET
Horatio,
something is rotten in the
state of Denmark,
and I think
it's you.
HORATIO
That
reminds me. I think I saw your
father's ghost
last night!
HAMLET
What?
Are you sure it was him?
Did
you speak
to him?
HORATIO
We
spoke. But he wouldn't answer.
HAMLET
That
sounds like Dad, all right.
Listen,
boys, this is
something I'm
going to have to see for myself.
Let's
meet at the top of
the castle tonight.
Exeunt.
**********************************************************
Scene
III
Scene III takes place in a room in Polonius' house. Enter Laertes and Ophelia.
LAERTES
My
necessaries are embarked.
Farewell.
And
sister, do be wary
of the affections of Prince
Hamlet. Perhaps he
does love you now, but he
is subject to
his birth, and therefore he must
choose a royal bride.
OPHELIA
Laertes,
don't be such an ass! Use
your brain for
once!
Do you think
for one minute that Claudius
is going to
let Hamlet marry a princess?
LAERTES
Huh?
OPHELIA
Listen!
Hamlet has a better claim
to the throne
than his uncle Claudius does, right? If
Hamlet
marries into another royal family, he'll gain
powerful allies to help him win the crown.
You
think
Claudius wants
that? All I have to do is
convince the
King that Hamlet's
with my affections, and I guarantee you we'll be
married before Hamlet knows what's hit him.
Then I'll figure
out some way to get rid of
Claudius, and I'll be Queen of Denmark!
LAERTES
Sister,
you're brilliant! But look,
here comes
our father!
Enter Polonius.
POLONIUS
Yet here,
Laertes? My blessings with
thee!
And take these few precepts
in thy memory:
Be thou familiar,
but by no means vulgar.
Enter Horatio.
HORATIO
What's he
gonna do in France if he can't be vulgar?
How's he gonna
fit in?
POLONIUS
Horatio,
you're not supposed to be here, are you?
HORATIO
No, but I got
two more hours before I'm supposed
to go to a secret meeting with Hamlet at the top of
the castle, so I got lots of time to kill.
POLONIUS
I was just
giving some advice to my son.
HORATIO
That's OK.
I'll add vice too.
I got
lots of vice.
POLONIUS
Very well.
Laertes, neither a borrower
nor a lender
be . . .
HORATIO
That's a good
idea. But you know
what? You're too
late.
Laertes
loaned me ten gold kroner
this morning.
POLONIUS
Then give it
back to him!
HORATIO
I can't. Right after he gave me the
money, I put it
down, and then I lost it.
POLONIUS
You put it
down and lost it???
HORATIO
Yeah, I put
it down on a horse.
POLONIUS
This is
terrible.
HORATIO
Yeah, now
your son, he's a lender, and what are we
gonna do? Hey, I got a great idea!
You
loan me ten
gold kroner, and then I'll pay Laertes back, and then
he won't be a lender anymore.
POLONIUS
But if I lend
you the money, then I'll be a lender, and
you'll still be a borrower.
HORATIO
OK, I got a
better idea. You don't
be a lender, I don't
be a borrower. You just give me the
money.
How's
that?
POLONIUS
I don't know about this.
HORATIO
You want your
son to stay a lender all his life?
Polonius
reaches into his money bag and takes out a gold
POLONIUS
But all I've
got is this twenty-kroner piece. Have
you got change for that?
HORATIO
No, but I'll
take it, just the same.
Horatio
pockets the twenty-kroner piece.
POLONIUS
At least you can now pay back to Laertes the
ten kroner you owe him.
HORATIO
Laertes, you
got change for twenty kroner?
LAERTES
No, I'm
afraid not.
Horatio
turns to Polonius.
HORATIO
Now we got
another problem. I can't
give this
coin to him. If I
give him the coin, he'll owe
me money. If he owes me money, then
he'll be
a borrower. He can't
be a borrower if you just
told him not to be a borrower!
POLONIUS
But...
HORATIO
Hey, I just
got another great idea. Laertes,
why
don't you just say you gave me the ten gold
kroner? Then you
won't be a
lender! You won't
be a borrower! You'll just be a
nice guy,
like
your father!
LAERTES
Sounds okay to me.
Ophelia,
the only really smart one in the family, is
OPHELIA
Horatio,
you're nothing but a cheap, conniving
crook!
HORATIO
Yeah, that's
me.
OPHELIA
How can you
be so dishonest?
HORATIO
One time I
tried to be honest, but then I said to
myself, "Horatio, to thine own self be true."
So if mine own self is a crook,
that's what I gotta
do. Good-bye!
Horatio walks out with his twenty-kroner piece. Ophelia glares at him. Laertes and Polonius are still trying to puzzle out what happened to their money. Exeunt Ophelia, Laertes and Polonius.
**********************************************************
Scene IV
Scene
IV takes place back on the platform in front of Elsinore
Castle, where Scene I took place. Enter
Hamlet, Horatio,
Bernardo and Francisco.
HAMLET
The
air bites shrewdly; it is very
cold. Say, are
you fellows sure
this is where dear old Dad
is
going to show up?
BERNARDO
The
ghost has appeared at this very
spot three
nights past, my lord,
then vanished before the sun
came up.
We
hear the distant pounding of a kettledrum, and a flourish
of trumpets.
FRANCISCO
What
does this mean, my lord?
HAMLET
That's
the King. He has the musicians
play while
he drinks. He
doesn't like to drink alone, so
he
likes to take
a drink before he goes to bed
at night.
Then he likes to take
a drink when he's in bed,
especially if the Queen is still awake.
Then the
Queen throws him
out of bed, so he has to take
another drink. Then he's ready
to throw the Queen
out of bed,
which calls for another drink.
Every
time he takes a drink,
he has the musicians bang
the
kettledrum. As soon as the King
is as tight
as the drum, he knows
it's time to fall asleep.
HORATIO
Hey,
that sounds like a pretty good
job. You
think I could be a
king?
HAMLET
Well,
would you be willing to marry
your brother's
wife? Do you
think you could do that?
Horatio
thinks this over.
HORATIO
I
don't know.
HAMLET
Well,
come on. Do you want to be
king, or don't
you?
HORATIO
If
I marry the wife, do I get his
mistress too?
HAMLET
That's
not strictly required. It's
not really part of
the job. But
I'm sure we could work something
out.
HORATIO
Is
she pretty?
HAMLET
The
wife or the mistress?
HORATIO
Yes!
HAMLET
You'll
have to take that up with your
brother.
HORATIO
Hey,
I just remembered! I haven't
got a brother!
HAMLET
Then
you'll have to take that up with
your parents.
You do have
parents,
don't you? Otherwise, you'll
just have to take it up with
your grandparents.
HORATIO
I've
got a great idea! Why don't
I just take your
wife?
HAMLET
My
wife? I'm not even married!
HORATIO
That's
all right. I can wait.
BERNARDO
Look
my lord, it comes!
The Ghost enters, and is overjoyed to see Hamlet. The Ghost claps his hands and runs to embrace his son.
HAMLET
Dad!
As
the Ghost embraces Hamlet, the Ghost sticks his hands into
the pockets of Hamlet's coat, pulls out an apple, and starts
to eat it.
HAMLET
Gee,
it's nice to see you, Dad.
The Ghost nods happily, enjoying the apple. Then the Ghost beckons Hamlet to follow him.
HAMLET
I
think you boys better go. I think
he wants to be
alone with his
son.
HORATIO
All
right.
Exeunt Horatio, Bernardo and Francisco. Again, the Ghost beckons Hamlet to follow him.
HAMLET
OK,
I'll follow you.
Exeunt the Ghost and Hamlet.
**********************************************************
Scene
V
Scene V takes place on another part of the platform. Enter the Ghost and Hamlet.
HAMLET
Where
wilt thou lead me? I'll go
no further.
The
Ghost shrugs, and stops.
HAMLET
So,
Dad, what's new?
The Ghost points to the apple core, grins, and gestures that he'd like something else to eat.
HAMLET
I'm
sorry, I don't have any more apples.
The
Ghost makes a horrible disgusted face and turns away from
Hamlet.
HAMLET
Gee,
if I'd only known, I...
The Ghost makes a disparaging wave of his arms at Hamlet, and makes another horrible face.
HAMLET
Dad,
isn't there something you wanted
to tell me?
The Ghost suddenly remembers! He claps his hands and sits Hamlet down, and indicates that Hamlet should watch him.
HAMLET
Oh.
OK. You're going to tell me
a story.
The Ghost nods his head happily. Then he reaches into his coat and pulls out a little pillow. He puts the pillow down on the floor and mimes going to sleep with his head on the pillow. Hamlet waits for a minute, watching the Ghost sleep.
Say,
I thought Ghost stories were
supposed to
keep you awake.
The Ghost puts his fingers to his lips to indicate that Hamlet should be quiet, while he's sleeping.
HAMLET
OK,
you're sleeping. Where are you
sleeping?
The
Ghost, still pretending to be asleep, holds up his hand,
with the back of his hand facing the audience.
Then he
pushes up the apple core to the top of his fingers, and mimes
plucking an apple.
HAMLET
Oh,
you're asleep in the apple orchard.
I remember,
you liked to
sleep there!
The
Ghost nods "yes."
HAMLET
What
happens next?
The
Ghost stands up, takes the pillow and puts it under his
shirt. He pretends to be fat.
Then he pulls at an imaginary
beard.
HAMLET
A
fat man... a fat man with a beard...
The Ghost makes an ugly face and mimes yelling and being angry.
HAMLET
A
fat, nasty man with a beard!
Your
brother
Claudius!
The Ghost nods "yes." Then he goes back to putting on the nasty, evil face of Claudius. He stomps around the stage, pulling on his beard.
HAMLET
What
does he do?
The Ghost, pretending to be Claudius, notices the apple core lying on the stage. He picks it up, sees that it's been eaten, and brutishly throws it away. He looks around the stage, and then looks in surprise at the spot where the Ghost was sleeping. The Ghost whips out the pillow, and resumes sleeping at that spot.
HAMLET
OK,
Claudius found you sleeping.
What
happened next?
The Ghost jumps up, puts the pillow back in under his shirt, and pretends to be Claudius. He reaches into his coat, and pulls out a bottle of poison. Then he reaches into his coat with his other hand and pulls out a funnel. He walks over to where the Ghost has been sleeping, and mimes putting the funnel into the sleeping man's ear, and he pours the contents of the bottle into the funnel. Then the Ghost whips out the pillow and becomes himself sleeping, with the funnel in his ear, and the poison being poured into it. The Ghost wakes up and dies horribly.
HAMLET
Oh
no! Murder! Foul and unnatural
murder!
Claudius
poured
poison into your ear and
killed
you!!! Oh murder most foul!!!
The
Ghost sits up and nods his head in agreement.
HAMLET
Oh
horrible! Oh, horrible, most horrible!
...
Well, what do
you
want me to do about it?
You
want me to take revenge on Claudius?
The
Ghost nods "yes."
HAMLET
Well,
that sounds fair enough. What
about Mom?
The
Ghost shakes his head "no." He
reaches into his coat and
takes out a poster-sized picture of the Queen.
He kisses
the picture and looks coy.
HAMLET
Not
Mom. You still love Mom.
Aww,
that's
sweet. It's crazy,
but
it's sweet. Maybe you
should
have your head examined, or
at least
your eyes.
The Ghost clutches the picture of the Queen to his chest, and looks threateningly at Hamlet.
HAMLET
OK!
Don't worry. I won't hurt Mom.
Just Claudius.
The
Ghost shakes Hamlet's hand and pats him on the back.
Then
the Ghost proceeds to put the picture, the pillow, the
bottle and the funnel back into his coat.
HAMLET
You
have to go so soon?
The
Ghost points to the horizon.
HAMLET
Oh,
I see. The dawn is coming up.
OK,
Dad. It
was nice seeing you again.
I'll get your revenge
for
you. You can count on me.
The
Ghost waves good-bye and exits.
HAMLET
Hmmmm.
Now what am I going to do?
I
can't just go downstairs and
kill Claudius.
This is only
Act
I, and we've still got a
whole
play to fill up. I know!
I'll
pretend I've
gone crazy. That
won't help me get revenge,
but
it should take up a few hours,
and it may
liven things up
around here.
Enter
Horatio, Bernardo, and Francisco.
BERNARDO
FRANCISCO
What
news, my lord?
HAMLET
a word about seeing
that ghost, all right?
Off
stage, the Ghost honks his horn.
HAMLET
Swear!
BERNARDO
Propose
the oath, my lord, and we
will swear it.
HAMLET
Never
to speak of what you have seen
this night.
FRANCISCO
But
we haven't seen anything!
HAMLET
Then
never to speak of what you haven't
seen!
HORATIO
I'm
not sure I can remember everything
I haven't
seen.
Off
stage, the Ghost honks his horn.
HAMLET
Swear!
Swear that you'll remember
to forget
everything you
haven't seen.
HORATIO
I
don't know. I've got a pretty good
memory.
Hamlet
gives each of then a gold kroner piece.
HAMLET
Look,
I'm going to lend each of you
ten kroner.
Will you
remember
to pay back this loan?
HORATIO
What
loan?
FRANCISCO
We
have forgotten everything, my lord!
Off
stage, the Ghost honks his horn.
HAMLET
Swear!
Swear by my sword.
Hamlet
isn't wearing a sword in this scene. After
this scene,
he does wear a sword.
HORATIO
You
forgot to bring your sword!
HAMLET
Then
cross your hearts and hope to
die!
Off
stage, the Ghost honks his horn.
HAMLET
Swear!
HORATIO,
BERNARDO,
& FRANCISCO
We
swear!
HAMLET
So,
gentlemen, let us go in together;
and still your
fingers on
your lips, I pray. The time is
out of joint.
Oh cursed
spite,
that ever I was born to set
it right!
Exeunt.
**********************************************************
ACT
II
Scene
I
Scene I of Act II takes place at Polonius's house. It's one month later. Polonius enters. A moment later, Ophelia runs in.
POLONIUS
How now, Ophelia? What's the matter?
OPHELIA
Oh my lord,
my lord, I have been so affrighted!
POLONIUS
With what?
OPHELIA
Have you noticed anything peculiar about Prince
Hamlet recently?
POLONIUS
Hamlet?
He's always been peculiar,
... but now
that you mention it, he has been acting very
strangely late. Why do you
ask?
OPHELIA
He came to my
room just now. He took
me by
the wrist and held me hard, then he fell to such
perusal of my face as if he would draw it, and then
he raised a sigh so piteous and profound, ...
I
think he loves me.
POLONIUS
This sounds
like the very ecstasy of love! Have
you
given him any hard words of late?
OPHELIA
I've been
refusing to see him, as you told me I must.
You ordered
me to stay away from him because he
would never be permitted to marry someone of my
lowly station.
POLONIUS
I was wrong!
He truly loves you,
and your rejection
has driven him mad! In the morning e
must go to the
King.
Polonius
exits. Ophelia watches him go off.
OPHELIA
My poor
foolish father. How easy
it is to lead you
from the truth. If the King as
readily believes
these
lies of Hamlet's love, then soon shall I shall be
Queen of Denmark!
Ophelia
exits after Polonius. Enter
Horatio with the Ghost
of Hamlet's father. They have been
listening to the preceding
scene.
HORATIO
Hey Ghost,
did you hear that? It's
a good thing we
decided to spy. That lady's gonna
make trouble
for
Hamlet. I got to remember
to warn him!
The Ghost nods in agreement. Exeunt Horatio and the Ghost.
*********************************************************
Scene
II
Scene
II takes place in a room in the Castle. This
room
KING
Welcome, dear Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
Moreover, that we much did long to see you, the
need we have to use you did provoke our hasty
sending.
ROSENCRANTZ
Your Majesties!
Rosencrantz
makes a very deep bow. Guildenstern
taps
GUILDENSTERN
Who's he?
ROSENCRANTZ
That's the
King!
GUILDENSTERN
I thought you
said the King was dead.
ROSENCRANTZ
The old King
is dead. This is the
new King!
Guildenstern
looks at the King very carefully.
GUILDENSTERN
He doesn't
look very new to me.
Rosencrantz
speaks to the King.
ROSENCRANTZ
Please
forgive my friend, your Majesty. We've
had a very long trip, and he's tired.
GUILDENSTERN
No I'm not. We had a nap after lunch...
Rosencrantz
glares at Guildenstern, silencing him.
KING
I trust that you have heard
Hamlet's transformation. I don't
know what
may have caused this sudden change in him.
You are two of his
oldest and dearest friends.
Perhaps
you can tell us what is the
matter.
QUEEN
Good gentlemen, Hamlet has often talked of you.
I'm sure there aren't two men living of whom he
is more fond. Please stay with us
awhile, and we
will see that you are well rewarded.
ROSENCRANTZ
It will be our pleasure to obey your every command,
your Majesties.
GUILDENSTERN
That's right! After all, you are
the King, even if you're
not dead yet, so if there's anything we can do to make
your job any
ROSENCRANTZ
He means
we're ready to do whatever you tell us. The
most difficult task won't be too difficult for us to attempt!
Isn't that right, Guildenstern?
GUILDENSTERN
Yes, and the
simplest task won't be simple enough for us
to do either. What is it you want
us to do,
anyway?
KING
Tell us what
is wrong with Prince Hamlet!!!
Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern confer privately in whispers,
GUILDENSTERN
We heard he's
gone screwy.
KING
We know that!
Find out why he's gone screwy!!!
ROSENCRANTZ
We'll do our
best, your Majesty.
QUEEN
Go, and find Prince Hamlet!
Exeunt
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Enter
Polonius.
POLONIUS
My good lord,
the ambassador from Norway has
returned!
KING
I trust he brings good news.
POLONIUS
That reminds
me, I think I have discovered the cause
of Hamlet's lunacy.
KING
Oh?
That is something I long to hear!
POLONIUS
First listen
to the ambassador. My
news shall be the
fruit to that great feast.
KING
Go then, and
bring in the ambassador.
Polonius
exits. The King turns to the Queen.
KING
Did you hear
that? Polonius thinks
he has discovered
the source of your son's strange behavior.
QUEEN
I don't think it is anything but his father's death, and our
o'er hasty marriage, but we shall
Re-enter
Polonius with VOLTIMAND, the ambassador from
KING
Well, what
news from the King of Norway?
VOLTIMAND
The King was
very surprised by your letter. He
thought young Fortinbras was preparing to invade
Poland, but when he found that Fortinbras actually
meant to attack Denmark, he rebuked him most
severely. Young Fortinbras then
promised the King
he would never invade Denmark, but asked if he
might invade Poland instead. He
would like your
permission to
bring his army through Denmark, on
his way to attack the Poles.
KING
Well, that
sounds like a reasonable request. Go
back
to Norway, and give young Fortinbras my permission
|
to bring his army through Denmark.
Exit
Voltimand. The King turns to
Polonius.
KING
Now, Polonius, tell us your
POLONIUS
I have a daughter. She has told
been sending her love letters. I
said to her,
"Lord
Hamlet is a prince, and above thy station!
Avoid
him!"
She has avoided him, and since
that time, he
has gone mad!
KING
Could this be true?
QUEEN
It may be.
POLONIUS
My daughter
has given me an idea. Prince
Hamlet
often walks alone
here in this part of the castle.
Tomorrow my daughter will
wait to meet him here.
We shall hide behind this arras, and see what happens
then.
KING
We will try it.
Enter
Hamlet, reading a book.
QUEEN
Look, how
sadly the poor wretch comes reading.
POLONIUS
Leave me to
talk with him alone.
Exeunt
the King and Queen.
POLONIUS
How does my
lord Hamlet?
HAMLET
Booga-booga-booga!
POLONIUS
Do you know
me, my lord?
HAMLET
Let's see, ... Aren't you Abie the
Fishman?
POLONIUS
Not I, my
lord.
HAMLET
No, I guess that was another play. It's
too bad.
There were a
lot more laughs in that show. So,
who are you, anyway? No, wait!
Let me guess!
Have you got
a daughter?
POLONIUS
I have, my lord.
HAMLET
Tell me, ...
does your daughter fool around?
POLONIUS
Never!
HAMLET
Good, because
you know what fooling around can
lead to, don't you? Grandchildren!
And
can lead to great-
be a lot less fooling around here in Denmark if you
old people would just stop having grandchildren!
And at your
age too!!! You should be ashamed
of yourself!
POLONIUS
My daughter
is a modest, virtuous maiden. She
will make some man a fine wife.
HAMLET
Good, have
her make one for me. In
fact, I'll take
half a dozen. No,
make it a dozen. Christmas
is coming up,
and I need some
POLONIUS
What do you read, my lord?
HAMLET
Words, words,
words. I can never
remember this
scene, so I keep a copy of the script in
POLONIUS
Though this
be madness, yet there is method in it.
Enter
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
POLONIUS
Fare you
well, my lord.
Polonius
goes over to speak to Rosencrantz and
POLONIUS
You go to
seek Prince Hamlet. There
he is.
ROSENCRANTZ
(to Polonius)
God save you, sir!
Exit
Polonius.
ROSENCRANTZ
My most dear lord!
HAMLET
Eh?
ROSENCRANTZ
Don't you
remember us? I am Rosencrantz,
and
this is my good friend, Guildenstern!
HAMLET
My most
excellent good friends! How
do you
both?
ROSENCRANTZ
Not badly. Not badly at all!
HAMLET
Oh, really?
GUILDENSTERN
Yes, we get a
big reward if we can find out why
you're screwy.
Rosencrantz
takes Guildenstern aside.
ROSENCRANTZ
You weren't
supposed to tell him
supposed to be a secret!
GUILDENSTERN
But he's our friend. If we
trust?
ROSENCRANTZ
We can't
trust anyone! Now whatever you do,
don't tell
him the King and Queen sent for us.
GUILDENSTERN
You can count on me!
Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern go back over to Hamlet.
HAMLET
Tell me, why
did you two come to
ROSENCRANTZ
Why, to visit
you, my lord. No other reason.
HAMLET
You weren't sent for?
GUILDENSTERN
Yes,
we weren't.
HAMLET
I'm glad to
hear it. Who didn't send for you?
GUILDENSTERN
The King and
Queen.
HAMLET
That's funny, because I've been dying to tell someone
why I've been acting so crazy, but I wouldn't want
to tell anyone who
Queen.
Rosencrantz
takes Guildenstern aside.
ROSENCRANTZ
What do we
say now?
GUILDENSTERN
Let's tell
him we were sent for.
ROSENCRANTZ
That's a good idea.
They
go back over to Hamlet.
GUILDENSTERN
My lord, we
were sent for.
ROSENCRANTZ
Now tell us
what's the matter with you.
HAMLET
I have of
late, but wherefore I know not, lost all my
mirth. Well,
maybe not all my mirth, but
I certainly
haven't been having a very good time lately, especially
since you boys showed up!
ROSENCRANTZ
I understand
perfectly! You're depressed!
GUILDENSTERN
Does that
mean we can collect
ROSENCRANTZ
Certainly
not! Hamlet's our friend!
What kind of
friends would we be if we didn't do something to
cheer him up?
GUILDENSTERN
Well, if we got the reward, we could go out and buy
him a vanilla ice cream cone. That always
cheers me
up when I'm decompressed.
ROSENCRANTZ
Hamlet's
problems are psychological! He
needs to
talk about them, and get them out into the open.
Rosencrantz
turns back to Hamlet.
ROSENCRANTZ
Why don't you
tell us more about how you feel?
HAMLET
Very well. I didn't want to tell
you, but you forced
it out of me. Oh, I'm so ashamed.
I just found out ...
I just found out
my two best friends are a couple of
morons.
ROSENCRANTZ
No wonder
you're depressed! I'd be
depressed too
if I found out my best friends were morons.
Wouldn't
you, Guildenstern?
GUILDENSTERN
I certainly
would, Rosencrantz, but I'd still be your
friend anyway, in spite of it!
Rosencrantz
suddenly suspects that Hamlet has insulted
ROSENCRANTZ
Wait just a
minute! I thought we were your
best
friends.
HAMLET
I hate to break it to you boys, but I don't think either
one of you could pass the aptitude test to become
court fools.
GUILDENSTERN
We could too!
ROSENCRANTZ
Come,
Guildenstern. We don't have to stay
here to
be insulted.
HAMLET
No, you
probably don't. But wait!
Don't go! I'm
sorry. It's just that I've been so insane
lately.
What a piece of work is a man! How
noble in
reason. How
infinite in faculties! In form
and
moving how express and admirable! In
action
how
like an angel! In apprehension how like a god!
There, if that doesn't convince you
I'm crazy,
nothing will! Take
a look around this castle
want to see what a piece of work is a man!
God's
just lucky he
didn't give out warranties! Oh, I'm
so
depressed.
ROSENCRANTZ
We have some
news that may cheer you up, my lord.
On our way into
Elsinore, we passed a gentleman
who said he was going to bring back some players to
perform for you tomorrow night!
HAMLET
That's funny.
I was just saying to
Horatio how much
I'd like to see a really good play.
Hamlet
addresses the audience directly on the next line.
HAMLET
(to audience)
And I bet you folks feel the same way.
Enter
Horatio.
HORATIO
Hey, Hamlet, have I got a deal for you!!!
HAMLET
Why is it that suddenly suicide seems like a good
idea?
HORATIO
You say you want to see a play, so I go out and I
find the finest players in the land, just for you!
HAMLET
Really?
When can I see them?
HORATIO
Not so fast.
First you got to talk to their manager.
HAMLET
Who's their manager, as if I couldn't guess?
HORATIO
It's funny
you should ask. When
players, they're the finest players in the land,
but guess what? They haven't got
a manager!
So what can I do?
My friend Prince Hamlet
wants to see
a play, but how's he going to hire
these players without a manager? Then
I get a
wonderful
idea!!! I'll be their manager!
GUILDENSTERN
Gee, isn't he
a swell guy?
ROSENCRANTZ
He certainly
is!
HAMLET
How much are you going to charge
players?
HORATIO
Twenty kroner.
HAMLET
Twenty
kroner? That's not bad.
HORATIO
That's just
to see them. Now if you want them
to
put on a play, that's another fifty kroner.
HAMLET
What kind of play will they put on for this ... total
of seventy kroner?
HORATIO
Well, there's
two kinds of
plays and bad plays. If you want a
good play, it's
an extra fifty kroner.
HAMLET
Well
then, have them put on a bad play.
HORATIO
I'm sorry,
they don't do bad plays. They've got
a
reputation to hold up.
HAMLET
A hundred and
twenty kroner sounds right for a
hold-up. Is that
the entire cost?
HORATIO
Sure, that's
the whole price. One
hundred and
twenty kroner for a real good play. Oh, I almost
forgot to ask, you don't want them to learn their
lines, do you?
HAMLET
No, I
wouldn't think of it.
HORATIO
Cause
if you did, that would be another
thirty
kroner.
HAMLET
Just
have them read the lines.
HORATIO
They can't read.
.
HAMLET
On
second thought, why be stingy?
Let them
learn their lines!
We've got a deal then!
One
hundred and fifty kroner.
Hamlet pays the money to Horatio. Enter Polonius.
POLONIUS
My
lord, there are some men at the
castle gate,
who claim to be players
....
HAMLET
Then
let them in! Let them in!
Polonius
goes to get the players.
HAMLET
I'm
really looking forward to this.
It's about time
we had some
good sophisticated adult drama
around here.
Polonius
comes back in with the three players: the
FIRST PLAYER
is a grumpy, bossy man with a Prince Valiant-type haircut,
the SECOND PLAYER has very frizzy hair, and the THIRD
PLAYER is a fat, bald idiot.
HAMLET
So
these are the finest players in
the land?
HORATIO
They
must be. No one else can get
these prices!
HAMLET
Well,
let's see what they can do.
Give me a sample.
I want
to
hear something old and classical.
Hamlet
turns to the First Player.
HAMLET
Do
you know "The Death of Priam"?
FIRST
PLAYER
I
didn't even know he was sick!
HAMLET
Well,
that's old, but it isn't classical.
That's one of
the oldest
jokes I've ever heard. How
is it that you
don't know the
famous speech about the death
of
King Priam? All great actors
know that speech!
Your
manager
here said that you were the
finest
players in the land!
We
are! We get fined in every town
we play in!
The
Third Player laughs. The First
Player slaps the Third Player
on the forehead, and the Third Player squeals.
SECOND
PLAYER
Listen,
we're very good at what we
do!
HAMLET
And
what is it you do?
SECOND
PLAYER
Mostly
we call each other names, make
funny noises,
hit each other,
and poke each other in the
eye.
HAMLET
Is
there much of an audience for that?
THIRD
PLAYER
Certainly!!!
POLONIUS
I
have heard of these players, my
lord. They are
very successful.
HAMLET
I
repeat: What a piece of work is
a man! How noble
in reason!
FIRST
PLAYER
You
still want a sample? Watch what
we can do!
HAMLET
Are
you going to hit the fat guy again?
FIRST
PLAYER
Sure,
if that's what you want.
Only
if you keep it up until you kill
him. Actually,
I was hoping
for something a little more
refined.
THIRD
PLAYER
We're
very refined. Whenever we go
into a town,
right after we get
fined once, we always get
re-fined.
The Third Player laughs. The First Player slaps him on the forehead, and he squeals.
HAMLET
This
could quickly become monotonous.
The
First Player hits the Second Player on the forehead.
SECOND
PLAYER
Ow!!!
What did you hit me for?
FIRST
PLAYER
Variety!
HAMLET
Couldn't
you do something poetic,
with lots of
conflict, a tragedy
about man's inhumanity to
man?
HORATIO
Why
didn't you say that's what you
wanted?
These guys
specialize
in that!
PLAYERS
We
do?
HORATIO
Sure!
Do the show I taught you this
afternoon.
You remember,
the
one with poetry and conflict.
HAMLET
What's
this show called?
HORATIO
"Simple
Simon," by Mother Goose.
ROSENCRANTZ
Say,
I think I know that one.
FIRST
PLAYER
Watch
this!
The First Player and the Third Player run off opposite sides of the stage. The Second Player steps to center stage and clears his throat.
SECOND
PLAYER
This
afternoon, we bring you a classic
tale of hunger
and greed,
that famous poem known the
world over....
"Simple Simon."
There
is a long pause.
HAMLET
Well?
SECOND
PLAYER
I
forgot how it starts.
The First Player runs on. He wears a chef's hat and apron. He slaps the Second Player on the forehead.
FIRST
PLAYER
"Simple
Simon met a pie-man..."
The
First Player runs back off-stage.
SECOND
PLAYER
Oh
yes! (Ahem.)
Simple
Simon
Met
a pie-man
Going
to the faire!
The
First Player, dressed as a pie-man, and carrying a big cream
pie, enters from one side of the stage. The
Third Player,
singing stupidly, enters from the other side.
THIRD
PLAYER
La-la-lee-la-la!
SECOND
PLAYER
Said
Simple Simon,
To
the pie-man,
THIRD
PLAYER
Let
me taste your ware!
SECOND
PLAYER
Said
the pie-man,
To
Simple Simon,
FIRST
PLAYER
Show
me first your penny!
SECOND
PLAYER
Said
Simple Simon,
To
the pie-man,
THIRD
PLAYER
In
truth, I haven't any!
FIRST
PLAYER
Oh,
a deadbeat!
The First Player hits the Third Player in the face with the pie.
THIRD
PLAYER
Oh!
Vanilla custard! My favorite!
The
Third Player laughs. The First
Player slaps the Third Player
on top of his head, and the Third Player squeals.
All
three Players bow, banging their heads together. Horatio, Polonius, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern all applaud
enthusiastically. Horatio turns to
Hamlet.
HORATIO
Pretty
good stuff, eh?
HAMLET
Boys,
I think you've captured the
essence of human
existence, and
now that you've captured it, I
hope
you'll never let it out again.
No, on second thought,
I want
you to perform for Claudius tomorrow
night.
He deserves to
see
this. Polonius, show these men
to their rooms.
Polonius leads out the Second and Third Players. Hamlet grabs the First Player by the arm to speak with him privately.
HAMLET
Wait
a second, I want to talk to you.
Can you play
"The Murder of
Gonzago"?
FIRST
PLAYER
Sorry,
I never heard of it.
HAMLET
All
right, can you play "The Queen
of Hearts"? It's by
the same
author as "Simple Simon."
You
remember,
"The Queen of Hearts,
she made some tarts..."
Yes,
my lord, we know that one.
HAMLET
I
figured you would. We'll have it
tomorrow night.
But I've got
a
few special changes I want you to
put in. I'll come by and give
them to you later.
Now go
to
your room!
The
First Player exits.
ROSENCRANTZ
That
certainly was a fine performance,
wasn't it?
GUILDENSTERN
I'll
say!
ROSENCRANTZ
Didn't
you think the roles were particularly
well cast?
GUILDENSTERN
I
thought the pie was well cast.
Were
there rolls in it
too? I didn't
see the rolls.
HAMLET
Go
to your rooms!!!
ROSENCRANTZ
Good-bye,
my lord.
GUILDENSTERN
So
long!
Exeunt
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, bowing to Hamlet.
HAMLET
Oh,
what a rogue and peasant slave
am I! Is it
not monstrous that
these players here can slap
each
other around like that, and I
can't even lay a
finger on Claudius?
They hit each other, hurt
each
other, and all I can come
up with is clever banter!
I'm
nothing but a coward, a Noel Coward!
Well,
maybe not such an ol'
coward, more of a young
coward.
And after all, I have no
real proof that
Claudius killed
my father. All I've got is
the word
of a ghost who can't even
talk! I know what I'll
do. I'll
have these players perform something
like
the murder of my father.
If Claudius looks guilty,
I'll know he did it! The
play's the thing, wherein
I'll
catch the conscience of the King!
Exit
Hamlet.
*********************************************************
ACT III
Scene I
Scene
I takes place in a room in the castle. This
is the same
room as in Act II, Scene II. Enter
the King, Queen, Polonius,
Ophelia, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern.
KING
And can you, by no drift of circumstance, get
from him why he puts on this confusion, grating so
harshly all his days of quiet with turbulent and
dangerous lunacy?
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern consult with each other in whispers.
GUILDENSTERN
Would you
mind rephrasing the question?
KING
Have you found out yet why Hamlet's gone
screwy?
ROSENCRANTZ
We're making progress, your majesty, but he
hasn't told us the whole story yet.
QUEEN
Well, what has he told you?
GUILDENSTERN
He's oppressed because man is a piece of work,
who fills out forms with infinite reasons... and
moves like an admiral on an express, and...
and
is apprehensive of god,.... and his two best friends
are a couple
of morons!
ROSENCRANTZ
But we do have some good news, your majesties!
Some traveling players
have arrived at the castle,
and your son is going to have them put on a play!
KING
Hmmmm, maybe
this play will take his mind off of
whatever it is that is troubling him so much.
The
next time you
see Hamlet, do your
best to keep
him in a good mood!
Exit
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
KING
Now Gertrude,
I would like you to leave us alone
for awhile, while I try to discover what is the matter
with your son. I have sent for him,
and Polonius
and I will
hide and watch while he meets Ophelia.
We should be able to tell from his reactions if
it is
really love that is causing him to act so strangely.
QUEEN
Very well.
Ophelia, I hope you can
do something
about all this. I
do not understand what has gotten
into that boy!
Exit
Queen.
POLONIUS
Ophelia, you stand here and wait for Hamlet.
The
King and I
The
King and Polonius exit behind the arras. Enter
HAMLET
To be, or not
to be; that is the question.
Hamlet
starts speaking directly to the audience.
If you can
answer the question, you win fifty dollars,
which you'll have to split among the lot of you.
To
be, or not to be? Does anyone have
the
Hamlet
points to a member of the audience.
HAMLET
You? I'm sorry, anything you have
is obviously no
good. Including
your date.
Hamlet
suddenly turns somber.
HAMLET
Oh, why don't I just kill myself now, and let you
folks go home early? Better yet,
why don't you
folks kill yourselves now, and let me go home early?
You can
take my word for it, you've seen the best
part of the show. It's
all downhill from here. So
what do you
say to a little mass suicide? Just
think
of it, I wouldn't even have to take a curtain call,
and you folks could make theater history.
Well,
come on! What are you waiting
for? You're not
afraid of a little death, are you? Are you?
But then,
maybe you should be afraid.
Who knows what
would happen to you if you did kill yourselves?
In your
next life, you
might have to watch this play
rewritten for Abbott and Costello!
Ophelia,
tired of waiting for Hamlet to notice her, calls to
him.
OPHELIA
Hamlet!
HAMLET
What's
this? The fair Ophelia!
Suddenly
Horatio rushes on stage, grabs Hamlet, and pulls him
over to one side of the stage, away from Ophelia.
Horatio
speaks privately to Hamlet.
HORATIO
Hey,
Hamlet, I just remembered.
You
gotta watch
out for Ophelia. She
wants to marry you so she
can
be Queen!
HAMLET
Oh
yeah? We'll just see about that!
Exit
Horatio.
OPHELIA
Good
day, my lord.
HAMLET
Says
you!
OPHELIA
It's
been many days since I've seen
your honor.
HAMLET
Let's
keep my honor out of this.
You'd
like to see
my honor, wouldn't
you? Well, that's too bad,
because it's private, see? My
honor's not for sale.
Not at
reasonable
prices, anyway. But for
an
unreasonable price, maybe we
could make a deal.
How much
honor
did you have in mind?
My
lord, I have some love letters
to return to you.
HAMLET
I'm
sorry, you'll have to come up
with cash on the
line, or it's
no deal. Letters!!!
OPHELIA
You
told me you loved me once, and
I did believe
you.
HAMLET
What?
You expect me to believe that
you believed me?
Isn't
that
just like a woman! Well, I don't
believe you
believed me,
believe that you believed me?
That's a better question
than
"to be or not to be?".
OPHELIA
You
deceived me, my lord. You took
advantage of my
poor innocence.
HAMLET
You've
got the poorest innocence I've
ever seen!
Ophelia
starts acting girlish, trying to charm Hamlet.
OPHELIA
But...
don't you ever want to be a
daddy?
HAMLET
Why?
You want to get adopted?
OPHELIA
Not
me, Hammy! I mean, don't you
want to have
your own
HAMLET
Listen, Ophy, I've got enough problems
with the
relatives I've already
got.
OPHELIA
But
don't you think I'd make a good
mother?
HAMLET
I
think you'd make a mother superior,
so why don't
you get thee
to a nunnery?
OPHELIA
But...
HAMLET
Go!
Ophelia
speaks loudly so that the King and Polonius can hear
her.
OPHELIA
Oh,
what a noble mind is here o'erthrown!
She
turns to Hamlet and hisses a threat at him.
OPHELIA
I'll
get you for this!
Hamlet
shrugs and exits. Enter the King
and Polonius.
KING
That
did not sound like love to me!
I don't trust
that fellow one
bit. I'd feel safer if he were
far
from Denmark,... say in England.
POLONIUS
I
still think he has gone mad from
love for my
daughter. After
the play tomorrow night, why
don't we have his mother speak
to him privately,
and I will
hide and listen to what they
say. Then,
if you still think
he is dangerous, you can send
him
to England, or confine him
where you think best.
KING
It
shall be so. Madness in great
ones must not
unwatched go.
Exeunt.
*********************************************************
Scene
II
Scene
II takes place in a hall in the castle. Enter
Hamlet
and the Players.
HAMLET
Speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to
you!
FIRST PLAYER
Don't worry,
your princeship, we'll do everything
just like you said.
HAMLET
And no
melodramatic gestures! Don't
saw the air
with your hands.
THIRD PLAYER
Relax!
I never saw the air with my
hands! I saw the
air with my eyes!
The Third Player laughs, the First Player slaps him on the forehead, and the Third Player squeals.
FIRST PLAYER
That's not
what he means! He means
don't do this!
The
First Player saws the air upward with his hand, as the other
Players watch him, and then he suddenly jerks his hand down, giving the other
Players whiplash.
HAMLET
What I mean
is, don't overact. Be
natural! Try to
behave like normal human beings.
SECOND PLAYER
I thought you
wanted us to be natural.
The
First Player pounds the Second Player on the head.
HAMLET
Go!
Make ready for the play.
Exeunt
the Players. Enter Polonius, Rosencrantz and
HAMLET
The play's
about to start. Go get
the King and
Queen.
ROSENCRANTZ
We will, my lord.
Exeunt
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. Enter
Horatio.
HAMLET
Horatio!
Watch my uncle during the
play. Let
me know if he does
anything funny.
HORATIO
Don't
worry. No one does anything
funny in any
play while I'm
around!
HAMLET
Well,
that explains a lot.
Enter the King, Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
HAMLET
All
right, everyone sit down.
The
play's about
to start.
Everyone
except Hamlet sits on the floor.
QUEEN
Come
hither, my dear Hamlet. Sit
by me.
HAMLET
No
thanks, Mom. I want to annoy Ophelia.
Hamlet
goes over to Ophelia, who treats him very coldly.
HAMLET
Lady,
shall I lie in your lap?
OPHELIA
No,
my lord.
HAMLET
I
mean, my head in your lap.
He lies down with his head in her lap. She remains cold to him.
OPHELIA
Aye,
my lord.
HAMLET
Did
you think I meant country matters?
OPHELIA
I
think nothing, my lord.
HAMLET
That's
a fair thought to lie between
maids' legs.
OPHELIA
What
is, my lord?
HAMLET
Nothing.
Hamlet waggishly raises and lowers his eyebrows. Then he turns to the audience.
HAMLET
Shakespeare
wrote that one.
The Second Player steps out and waits for everyone to quiet down.
HAMLET
Quiet
everyone! The play's starting.
The
Second Player declaims the prologue to the play.
SECOND
PLAYER
The
Queen of Hearts
She
made some tarts,
All
on a summer's day;
The
Knave of Hearts
He
stole the tarts,
And
took them clean away.
The
King of Hearts
Called
for the tarts,
And
beat the Knave full sore;
The
Knave of Hearts
Brought
back the tarts,
And
vowed he'd steal no more.
The
Second Player bows to applause and exits.
HAMLET
That
was just the prologue. Now the
real play
begins!
The
First Player enters. He is dressed
as the King of Hearts.
He speaks bombastically.
FIRST
PLAYER
I
am the noble King of Hearts!
I
want my Queen to bake some tarts.
The
finest pastries in the land
Are
made by her own dainty
Where
is the Queen! I want her
The
Third Player, affecting a high, shrill voice answers from
off stage.
THIRD
PLAYER
(off
stage)
Hold
your horses! I'm coming, dear!
FIRST
PLAYER
My
own dear wife! I know that I
Will
always love her till I die!
The
Third Player enters in drag, dressed as the Queen of Hearts.
The First Player is horrified by her frightful appearance.
THIRD
PLAYER
Sorry
I'm late. I'd lost my wig.
How
do I look?
FIRST
PLAYER
Just like a ... fig-
Ure
of beauty, your teeth like pearls!
THIRD
PLAYER
Aw,
you say that to all the girls.
The
Third Player gives the First Player a playful shove, nearly
knocking him over.
FIRST
PLAYER
Say
you'll be forever true!
THIRD
PLAYER
Certainly, Kingsie! Who else do you
Think
I'd go for?
FIRST
PLAYER
For
a start,
My
brother, the evil Knave of Hearts!
If
I catch you two together,
Ever
again, I don't care whether
He
has a knife, an ax or spear,
I'll
kill him first, then you, my
dear!
THIRD
PLAYER
Take
it easy! Please, calm down!
I'm
not the type who'd play around!
FIRST
PLAYER
Ever
since that time I caught
Him
with your tarts I've been distraught!
THIRD
PLAYER
You
can trust me. Wait and see!
I'll
behave so faithfully,
I'll
bake my tarts for only you!
Cross
my heart! It's true!
It's
true!
Hamlet turns to his mother, as the First Player and Third Player exit, arm in arm, from the stage.
HAMLET
What
do you think, Mom?
QUEEN
The
lady doth protest too much, methinks.
Enter
the Second Player, dressed as the Knave of Hearts.
SECOND
PLAYER
I'm
the wicked Knave of Hearts!
I'd
love to grab the fair Queen's
tarts,
Filled
with apples, pears, or plums!
Why
speak of the devil, here she comes!
Enter
the Third Player, singing and carrying a table. On the
table are a number of small cream pies, and at least one
large cream pie.
THIRD
PLAYER
La
la lee la la.
Suddenly
the Third Player spots the Second Player, and puts
down the table.
THIRD
PLAYER
Hey!
You! What are you doing here?
SECOND
PLAYER
I
came to taste your tarts, my dear!
THIRD
PLAYER
Have
you got rocks inside your head?
If
the King finds us here, we're dead!
SECOND
PLAYER
You
think I'm frightened of that bum?
That
stupid fool! That twerp!
That
crumb!
Hey!
I'll tell you what I'll do,
I'll
kill the King and marry you!
As the Second Player continues telling his plans, the real King, seated in the audience, becomes visibly upset.
SECOND
PLAYER
I'll
wait until he's fast asleep
Out
in his orchard. There I'll creep.
I'll
bring a jar of poison, dear,
And
I will pour it in his ear!
The
King stands, horrified. At this
point, the First Player
enters, unnoticed by the Second Player or the Third Player.
SECOND
PLAYER
As
soon as that poor slob is dead,
I'll
arrange that we'll be wed!
And
you will bake the pies I crave,
While
he is rotting in his grave.
The
Second Player picks up a small cream pie.
KING
Stop
the play!
The
Players are so intent on their play that they ignore the
King. Suddenly, the Third Player
(still in his role as
the Queen of Hearts) spots the First Player.
THIRD
PLAYER
I
think it's high time that I went!
The
Third Player starts to walk off stage. The
First Player
grabs the Second Player and spins him around.
The Second
Player accidentally hits the First Player in the face
with the pie.
SECOND
PLAYER
I
didn't mean it! It was an accident!
FIRST
PLAYER
Why,
you...
KING
Stop
the play!
The
First Player picks up a pie, and throws it at the Second
Player. The Second Player ducks,
and the pie hits the
Third Player. The King walks over
to the Players to stop
the play.
KING
Stop
the play!
The Third Player picks up a large cream pie and starts to smash it into the face of the First Player.
KING
Give
me some light!!!
The
First Player ducks and the Third Player hits the real King
in the face with the pie. The real
King rushes off stage.
The Queen, Polonius, Ophelia, Rosencrantz and Guildenstern
follow the King.
FIRST
PLAYER
I think we'd better beat it, boys.
The Players exit. Only Hamlet and Horatio are left on stage.
HAMLET
Did
you see that? Did you?
Did you
see what the
King did?
HORATIO
Yeah,
he got the pie I wanted.
HAMLET
And
he stopped the play before the
best part!
Right before the
big
musical number!
Re-enter
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern. They
walk hesitantly
up to Hamlet.
GUILDENSTERN
We
have a message for you from your
mother.
HAMLET
Yes?
ROSENCRANTZ
She
wants to speak to you in her room
before
you go to bed.
HAMLET
All
right.
He looks at Rosencrantz and Guildenstern, who obviously have something else on their minds, but who are reluctant to speak up.
HAMLET
Do
you boys have anything else on
your minds?
Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern remain silent.
HAMLET
Do
you have anything on your minds?
Do you
have minds?
GUILDENSTERN
We
still don't know why you're screwy.
At
this point the Players walk in playing recorders.
They do
not play very well.
FIRST
PLAYER
Since
the King didn't seem to
thought he might
enjoy some music. Where
is
the King?
HAMLET
Let
me see that.
Hamlet
snatches one of the recorders. He
looks at it, then
hands it to Guildenstern.
HAMLET
Here.
Play upon this pipe.
GUILDENSTERN
My
lord, I cannot.
HAMLET
I
pray you.
GUILDENSTERN
Believe
me, I cannot.
HAMLET
Please.
I beseech you.
Suddenly
Hamlet's voice turns threatening.
HAMLET
Play
it!!!
Guildenstern
is near tears.
GUILDENSTERN
I
don't know how to play the pipe.
HAMLET
You
don't, eh? Then you must think
I'm simpler
than this pipe!
You think you can get all my
secrets out of me just by asking,
but you can't get
anything
out of this pipe! You're
willing to play on
me, aren't
you? You think it's easier
to play on me
than this pipe!
You thought you could play
me, so
surely you can play a
simple pipe! Go ahead!
Play it!!!
GUILDENSTERN
(weeping)
But
I don't ... I . . .
HAMLET
Play
it!
Guildenstern
tearfully tries to play the pipe. To
his surprise,
beautiful music comes out. Guildenstern
takes the
pipe away from his lips to examine it. He
can't
HAMLET
Excuse
me, I think I hear my mother
calling.
Exit
Hamlet. Exeunt all.
*********************************************************
Scene
III
Scene
III takes place in a room in the castle. Enter
the King,
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.
KING
I like him not, nor stands it safe with us to let his
madness range. Therefore prepare
you. I
shall
execute a commission for you
to take him with
you to England.
Go! Get ready!
Rosencrantz and Guildenstern bow and exit. Enter Polonius.
POLONIUS
My
lord, he's going to his mother's
room. I'll
get there first
and hide behind the arras and
listen to what they say.
I'll
tell you everything.
KING
Thank
you, my good friend.
Exit
Polonius.
KING
Oh
my offense is rank, it smells to
heaven.
I have murdered my
own
brother. Prince
Hamlet knows
what I have done; I'm sure
of
it. He puts on a mask of madness,
while
he plots against me,
and I deserve to be
plotted against.
I've killed my brother!
I
should pray for forgiveness,
but how can I?
I
still
have my crown and my queen,
and I
will not give them up.
I will not show
repentance. Alas,
there can be no
forgiveness
without repentance, can
there?
The
King kneels, sorrowfully, as if in prayer.
Enter Hamlet.
He is startled to see the King. Hamlet
muses to himself.
The King is unaware of Hamlet's presence.
HAMLET
What's
this? The King! I could kill
him now,
while he's alone. It
would be easy. I could
run him
through while he's praying and
send
him straight to heaven, which
is better than
he deserves ...
much better. He's praying,
which
means if I killed him now, he'd
go
straight to heaven, ... and
I'd be left down
here in Denmark.
He'd like that, I'll bet!
I can just see him up there,
laughing at me!
Why
shouldn't
he laugh? He gets heavenly
bliss, and I'm stuck here
with Rosencrantz
and Guildenstern!
He'd think that
funny, the lout! Well,
I'll show him.
Hamlet
strides over to the King.
HAMLET
I
wouldn't kill you now if you begged
me! So
there!
Exit
Hamlet. The King is bewildered.
KING
Maybe
he really is crazy after all.
Exit
the King.
*********************************************************
Scene
IV
Scene IV takes place in the Queen's bedroom. Enter the Queen and Polonius.
POLONIUS
He
will come straight. Pray you,
be round with him.
HAMLET
(off
stage)
Mother!
Mother!
QUEEN
Withdraw!
I hear him coming.
Polonius hides behind the arras. The Queen sits in a chair. Enter Hamlet.
HAMLET
Now,
Mother, what's the matter?
QUEEN
Hamlet,
thou hast thy father much
offended.
HAMLET
Mother,
thou hast my father much offended.
QUEEN
Come,
come, you answer with an idle tongue
HAMLET
Go,
go, you question with a wicked
tongue.
And thou hast my
father
much offended!
QUEEN
Have
you forgotten who I am?
HAMLET
No!
You are the Queen, your husband's
brother's wife; and -- would
it were not so --
you are my
mother! And thou hast my father
much offended! Let's see you
top that!
QUEEN
I
don't understand a word you're saying.